The Relationship You Have with Others

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Today I want to talk to you about the relationships with others.  I’m going to discuss relationships with difficult people, with people you love, and when they are sometimes one in the same.  So, I’m going to come at it from a couple of different directions, but the overall concepts are going to be the same.

IN THIS EPISODE

• Your relationship with your boss
• Your relationship with your coworkers
• The manual you have for loved ones
• Who benefits from unconditional love

Free downloadable worksheet for this podcast:   https://mailchi.mp/michellebourquecoaching.com/68

Work with me: https://michellebourquecoaching.com/work-with-me/

Hello hello hello
Whats up you guys?
Welcome back to the podcast
If you are new – welcome – I’m so happy you found it
Ok – are you all ready for tomorrow?
Valentines Day
Do you do anything special?
We don’t really do too much
I just tell my husband I think everyday is like Valentines Day in my life…lol..
And I’ll save the 5 bucks from the card..lol..
Anyhow – this is something I want to talk to you about today
The idea of relationships with others
I’m going to come at it from a couple of different directions
But the overall concept is going to be the same
Now last week I discussed the relationship with yourself
And how that relationship was based on the thoughts you had about yourself
And if you didn’t listen be sure to check that out
Episode 67
It is the most important relationship you have
And when I talk about the relationship you have with others
You know what it entails?
Yes- the thoughts you have about the other person
A lot of times we think the relationship is based on what the other person does right?
But why then
Doesn’t everyone have the same relationship with the same people?
So what I mean is –
Lets say its your boss
You think you have a great relationship with your boss because she is just amazing
She’s amazing because you think she is
My guess is – I can ask around to others on your team and
They might tell me she is a tyrant
So it’s not about her
Its about what you think about her
Ok – now what about your coworkers
Don’t worry – I’m starting with work folks
But I’m also going to bring it back to your personal life and love
Thats what we do here right?
Professional and personal – and how to integrate it
Co-workers can be interesting right?
Especially if you are someone who is a hard worker
And you get your shit done
And you think everyone should do the same
lol…
It’s not just me folks
I see this with so many of my clients too
You have co-workers that don’t do things they way you think they should be done
And it is SO frustrating
Because they should just know
The best way to do it
Is your way
Clearly
Lol..
And so you think they are so frustrating
But they are not
I’m going to say that again
Your co-worker is not frustrating you
You are frustrating yourself with the way you think about them
How you think they should be doing it differently
How they should be doing it your way
And you know what happens when you start this spiral?
You start to find evidence of how they do everything wrong
I saw this not so long ago
I was asking for feedback on someone
And the person I was asking told me everything the person did wrong
And I have to say
A lot of the conversation was how the other person wasn’t doing it exactly as was suggested
And as the person I was speaking with went on and on
I stopped and said
Have you seen them do anything well?
It almost seemed like a trick question lol..
Because the brain was so focused on all the wrong
And the frustration
That no – couldn’t seem to come up with a positive
But I went on to ask other peoples feedback
On the same person
And mostly all positive
Isn’t it fascinating you guys
We give other people in our lives so much credit for how we feel
When really – it’s just how we think about them
Here’s the thing
We have these operational manuals for people
We have the way we think others should be acting
So in the example of your co workers
You think they should do it like you do
Take a moment and really think about that
I know – because I for sure have thought people should do it the way I do
I for sure have thought – doesn’t everyone just know this is how it’s done?
I for sure have been frustrated when I have expectations of others
And they are not met
But you guys
Let’s be honest
Sometimes we have these expectations and we don’t even tell the other person
What they are
We just think
They should know
Obviii
lol,
But they don’t
Let’s just assume
They don’t
Now – here’s the best news ever If they are not the ones responsible for how you feel
You are
With your thinking
Then you are in charge of changing how you feel
Because you can change the way you think about them I’m going to dig more into the idea of the operational manual for others in a minute With loved ones – personal life – lol..well – as I say that
I mean – who am I to say
Your might have loved ones
In your professional life
Perhaps that’s how you integrate ..lol..
No judgement lol

But first I want to suggest a few things for you When you are dealing with the coworkers who you think
Frustrate you
And should be different
Stop
Take a moment and think about
what you are thinking about them
I know that sounds a little crazy right?
We rarely take the time to think about
What we think about
And then we just go about life
In this case
Being frustrated at the coworker
So stop and describe what they are doing
What are you making it mean?
And what part of your emotional health you are attaching to their behavior?
Now consider
What if
You just allowed them
To be an adult
Living their own life
Because
By the way
They do
Allowing them
Will help you
Not them
And maybe
Just maybe
The might know something you don’t
But you haven’t given them – or yourself
The opportunity to see it
I know you guys
This can be a challenging one to wrap your brain around
For me it was
When my coach first said
Maybe they can do it better?
I was like
What?
lol..
It just allows you to maybe see some new
Insights
Like from a different lens
And you know what
You start realizing
How much energy you waste
Thinking about them
And how they should act a certain way
Because then you would be happier
Skip the part of them having to be different You start thinking differently and see how much faster the change takes place
Ok – now I told you I was also brining in the personal relationships
The same work you do for allowing co workers to be themselves You can implement on family members being able to be themselves
But I want to dive into the relationship you have with your partner
So husband – wife
Boyfriend – girlfriend
Whatever it is for you
What do you believe your relationship should be?
See – ive worked with a number of women
Who have beliefs about how men should
Call or text a certain amount of times
Should have dates a certain number of times
Or wives who think husbands should do more around the house
Or communicate more
OH -that is a big one for sure
And then my clients think this other person has hurt their feelings
And I know – this idea is something we are taught over and over in school
The idea that other people control our feelings
So they need to do things a certain way in order for us to feel good
Now listen – if I knew how to change people
And control them to do what we want them to do
I would be screaming it from the rooftops folks
But we can control and change
As much as we try
That just doesn’t work
Now – let me be clear
I am not saying don’t have requests
I am not saying don’t have boundaries
But boundaries are done from love
And not to control of manipulate another person
It’s not a threat
Or and ultimatum
Its set of someone is coming into say
Your emotional or physical space
In ways that are inappropriate
And you have to follow through
So I might be something like
Again from love
If you yell at me – I will leave
It’s not something like
If you don’t start sending me roses
I’m not having sex
There is a difference
One is to protect yourself
And one is manipulation
So – back to the idea of the manual
I want you to take a minute and think about all of the things you think
Your partner should do
Take out the garbage
Empty the dishwasher
Work less
Help with the kids
Check in during the day
Text you more often
Want to go on more dates
It’s the list of how you think they should operate
Hence
The manual I talk about
Now – let’s say you ask them to do this
And they don’t want to
You get to decide in that moment what you make it mean
Do you make it mean they don’t love you
Or they must not be interested?
You guys
It might just mean –
He doesn’t want to take out the garbage
Because he still thinks there is room to put more – who knows But he still loves you ok?
So watch where your brain goes
Now – you get to make the choice
Do you just take out the garbage because
You think it’s full
And move on
Or do you sit and stew
And base your emotional well being on
Him not taking out the garbage
This is a shift in conventional thinking
Because I see so often couples therapy
Tends to talk about how
We should meet each others needs right?
Ummm
How about we put ourselves in charge of our own needs?
Because think about it
When we think we will be happy
If the other person acts a certain way
Then our happiness is dependent on them
And sometimes
What I find is we start acting all weird and creepy
Because we then need to manipulate them In order to act a certain way lol.. crazy right?
I mean – if we can’t learn to make ourselves happy
Why do we want to place it in somebody else’s hands? Conventional thinking is like you show up as 50% and I’ll show up as 50% and we make a whole
What I’m talking about is you show up as yourself 100%
I show up as myself 100%
And we make an amazing team
Loving each other without conditions
And again – you can still have requests of the other person
But do they want to do it
And you guys
When you stop to think about it
If you really love somebody
Do you want them always to be doing things they don’t want to do
I like to sometimes even stop and think
This is a fun exercise So say you are in the moment and you find yourself
Getting so angry because Your partner lets say said something
And you think he is so rude
And should not have said that
Now
Imagine the hottest guy –
Celebrity
Let’s say
Saying the same thing
My guess is
Might not be so rude ..lol..
Same words
Different meaning you give it
So pay attention to what you make other peoples actions mean
Think about what it could be like
If you just loved unconditionally
For your own sake
And your own peace of mind
Ok friends
I developed another worksheet for you to go along with this podcast
And you can find that in the show notes
Remember –
I do 1:1 private coaching so if this resonates with you
And you want to do more work on it
Let’s hop on a call and see how I can help
Go to michellebourquecoaching.com
And click on work with me
We will do a free consult call to get started
OK –
That’s what I have for you today.
Let’s circle back next week
But for now
Make it a great day
Take care!

Link to worksheet:
https://mailchi.mp/michellebourquecoaching.com/68