The Pursuit of Happiness Lie

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I think the idea of the pursuit of happiness – like all the time happy, happy, happy, – is such a lie. It’s one of those sneaky thoughts, that sounds good but can actually cause so much suffering.
Today I want to offer you the idea of emotional balance. My master coach instructor Brooke Castillo says life is 50/50. Meaning, 50% of the time we feel positive, and 50% of the time life is meant to be negative, I almost wish we could take negative and positive out of it – because it’s really more about being willing to feel all feelings. To be a human. Not to label them as right or wrong – just being willing to feel all of them. In this episode, I will use positive and negative for example’s sake.



Hello hello hello
How are you all doing today?
I’m a little tired today you all
I did not sleep well
But – I am also feeling super excited
Tomorrow starts vacation
I can’t wait
So many fun things planned
Marc and I are working more closely in the coaching business
And we have some new ideas we will be working on
And discussing
All for you guys
So much fun
And by the way
Let me tell you
Working more closely together
Provides a lot of opportunities
for some self coaching over
Oh – and I have to tell you
I had so much fun this past weekend
I went up to my parents
And we had girls from 5 to in their 60s
Come together to do vision boards
It was so much fun
Talking about future possibilities
And just seeing how everyones brain
Works – even from a creative standpoint
I think next year we will even have more people
I was actually thinking I should do a workshop maybe next year
And incorporate some coaching
That could be so much fun right?
But as we were talking
One of my nieces said something like
Well that because you always want to be positive
Aunt Michelle
And it kinda hit me
Because I don’t think I’m always positive
And if you ask Marc – lol
He says when people say something along those lines
They don’t have to live with me
I joke, but its honestly an important concept
And it’s what I want to talk to you about today
Because I think the idea of
The pursuit of happiness
Like all the time happy happy happy
Is such a lie
It’s one of those sneaky thoughts
That sounds good
But can actually cause so much suffering
Instead I want to offer you the idea of
Emotional balance
My master coach Brooke says
life is 50/50
50% of the time we are –
I guess we will say positive
And 50% of the time life is meant to be negative
And as I say that
I almost wish we could take negative
And positive
Out of it
Because it’s really more
About being willing
To feel all feelings
To be a human
And not label them as right
Or wrong
Or positive
But I think
Especially if this is your first time hearing this concept
It’s just easier to say negative and positive
For examples sake
When I say the pursuit of happiness
Is a sneaky thought
That causes suffering
I mean because
I think many of us
Think we should always be positive
Think about when kids cry
A lot of times we are like
Oh – here’s a toy or here’s
Some sort of a distraction
Just stop crying
Why do we do that?
Well – aside from our own sanity of having to listen to them of
But I think it’s a bigger societal way of thinking
We don’t want our kids to suffer
We don’t want people to be sad
But when we stop to think about it
People do suffer
Kids are sad
So fighting against the reality of what is
Causes and extra layer of suffering
And listen
We DO want to feel sad
We don’t know happy
Unless we know sad
When my dog dies
I don’t want to feel positive
I want to be sad
When I hear about rape or kidnappings or murder
I want to feel angry
Or sad
You guys
I think if we felt happy ALL the time
That includes when these things happen
Which I think
then makes us like a sociopath right? Lol
So we have this underlying thought that we should be happy
Or positive
All the time
But what if
Life really is 50/50
You know what happens to so many of us now?
We fight against what is
So think about it as a pie
Right now when we start to feel the negative feelings
And We don’t want to
We end up taking from the positive part of the pie
Because we are fighting against feeling negative
Actually as humans we tend
to do a couple of things
When we don’t want to feel the negative feelings
We might resist them
So what this could look like
Especially for a lot of the women I work with
Is lets say you have some anxiety
So you wake up and your mind starts racing
With all the days events – chores – duties
And then you think you shouldn’t feel anxiety
So you start pushing against it
Which adds to the anxiety
This is where I think we add to the suffering
The other thing we might do
And in todays society this is so easy
Is to try to avoid the anxiety
So maybe we get the glass of wine
Or grab food
Or hop on facebook
Any of those activities
That give us the dopamine hit
So we feel better
But then isn’t it interesting
For most of those activities
After the fact
We beat ourselves up
For having the extra glass of wine
That was where I fell
The end of the day would come and I would be like
I just need a glass of wine to relax
Or maybe for you its too many cookies
Or too long on facebook
So what is the alternative
What if we allowed ourselves to just feel the negative feeling?
We aren’t taught this growing up so it can be a challenge as you start
Let me pause here
Do you know why our feelings are even so important?
Our feelings are the reason we do
Or not do
Anything in our lives
So think about a goal you have
You want to get better control of your time
You want to cut back on wine
You want to lose some extra lbs
Because you think you will feel a certain way once you accomplish it
Making those changes in your life
Cutting back on wine
Having to tell no to other people so you have more time
Not having the cookie
All of the work that goes into
You becoming your next best version
Usually doesn’t feel good
It’s what we call the river of misery
The time in-between
Moving from who you are today
To who you want to become
Usually feels uncomfortable
Which is not rainbows and daisies friends
So you have to be willing to feel it
Because on the other side is where you
Find the growth
So what if life really is 50/50
And if you accept that
How does it help your overall
Emotional well being
And another thing
Where do our feelings come from?
They come from our thoughts my friends
Think about the thought model we always discuss here
We have a thought
It triggers a feeling
So sometimes a great place to start
Lets say with the feeling of anxiety
Instead of fighting against it
Start to name it
You wake up
You are thinking about all you have to do
You start feeling anxious
In that moment
Name it
Ok – I’m feeling anxious
And then pay attention to you body
Remember – emotions are triggered
by a chemical response in the brain
You might start to feel a tightness in your chest
Maybe your heart is racing
Maybe a headache
When you can name it like that it allows you some space from it
It gives you the opportunity to show your brain
You are not going to die
You are simply feeling a feeling
And as you go through that
It starts to lessen
If you are willing to feel it
You will see
You are not going to die
It’s just a feeling
It’s almost like
Ok – here we go again
Anxiety is coming along for the ride
But you guys
Anxiety doesn’t have to drive the car
Anxiety doesn’t even have to be in charge of the music
It can just come along for the ride
See the difference?
You are always in charge of how you feel
And once you get this down
You know what else you can do?
You can start deciding on purpose
You want to feel
Which is super fun for setting goals
And deciding ahead of time what feelings
will fuel you for the actions you want to take
In order to get the new results
But that will be for another day
I want to encourage you to begin considering
Maybe it’s not about always feeling happy happy happy
Maybe it’s ok to feel a negative emotion
And it doesn’t mean anything has gone wrong
It simply means
We are human
Signing up for all the emotions that go along with that
The good the bad and the ugly
Because you are just all in on your life
Ok – my friends that’s what I have for you today
Listen – I developed a new guide for you to be able to
Put this work into action
Go to to download
And – if you are ready to jump in and really do this work
I want to invite you to a free call with me
We will look at where you are now – where you want to go
And how we will get you there
Head to to get set a time
Ok – let’s circle back next week
But for now
Make it a great day
Take care

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