In today’s episode, I’m discussing self-love. This topic actually came up after spending time with our nieces recently. When spending time together, I like to set an intention and this weekend I invited them to join the self-love club, and I’m inviting you as well. What if we just loved ourselves unconditionally? When you love yourself, you will change your life and the lives of others around you.
Topics in this episode
- Coming from a place of compassion and curiosity
- Ask yourself, what happens when you’re feeling good?
- The circle of self-loathing
- Difference between self-confidence and arrogance
- Pay attention to how you speak to yourself
- An exercise to help you improve your self-love
- The results of self-love
Hello hello hello – how are you all doing today? Ahhmaziingg I hope!
Ok – so todays topic came after a weekend I recently had with our nieces. If you’ve been with me for awhile – well ﬁrst- thank you – I’m super pumped you are still here -but if you have been you know we don’t have kids.
So one of my driving purposes is to help make the world a diﬀerent place by helping empower women – and when moms start showing up more empowered the little girls of those moms will have a ripple eﬀect right?
And when I say empower – I mean like – to really help show them how to ﬁnd balance in their life – to really own designing the life they want to live – all of it.
I digress a little… but really when I visit our nieces I like to have set an intention to help show them maybe some diﬀerent possibilities – lol..
Now – I don’t want you to think this all altruistic zen visits – no – they call me crazy aunt Michelley – likely because I do ask them questions that seem out there – but that is the point.
So – this past weekend I invited them to join the Self Love Club.
Full transparency – it was an idea I got from my instructor Robin with Peloton – I just love her…
Anyhow – I thought what a fun idea – maybe we could pinky swear on it..lol..
We made cut out crowns – because of course if we are doing anything @RobinNYC-ish we must show up as royalty and then I had them go around and say one thing they loved about themselves.
Now- they are like 5,6, and 10 so you might imagine their faces with this question
But I don’t even think it’s just the ages
I think I would get the types of faces they gave me with a number of you as well
In fact – when I ﬁrst started this work I was the same
Seems really kinda out there
Especially when we are so good at beating ourselves up as much as we do.
It’s like we think if we tell ourselves how terrible we are – or how not enough we are – we will get to the goal.
It’s so messed up right?
But what if we loved ourselves unconditionally?
Here’s what I want to tell you – when you love yourself you will change your life.
I always encourage my clients to come from a place of compassion and curiosity when they are working on any new goal.
Think about it – how do you feel if say you don’t hit a goal – then you tell yourself you aren’t smart enough – or you tell yourself you will never ﬁgure out how to eat less or drink less – or you are terrible at getting your calendar organized.
It all feels terrible right?
And when you feel terrible what happens?
I know for many of my clients- and myself – if I’m feeling terrible because I think what I’ve done has gone wrong – well then I might grab a glass of wine – or eat – or just say f-it – I have no control over my calendar
And your result is – you stay stuck in this circle of self loathing.
And that feels – almost safer – more comfortable – because you know what it is – vs working on ﬁnding ways to love yourself.
I think one of the misconceptions is if I love myself I will be arrogant.
Self conﬁdence and arrogance are two totally separate ideas.
Self conﬁdence is – I trust in myself (and you)
Arrogance is – I’m better than you.
Two diﬀerent things my friends.
It was funny – while I was with my nieces I bought us matching tshirts to wear to the pool that said – girls can do anything – they were a little embarrassed b/c we were all matchy matchy and I was like – own it ladies – they are such good sports..lol…
But it was such a perfect example of how early it starts
There is no reason to not feel conﬁdent in wearing a t-shirt – now let me take a second to say –
I have totally been this little girls – oh dear – I was a fat kid so trust me when I say – I’ve had to do the work myself on this self love concept
And I still do
But I think its so important to start the conversation because truly everyone around you beneﬁts when you start loving yourself.
It’s almost like we think it will be too self indulgent if we believe in – or love ourselves.
A lot of you think if you start investing in yourself it will be too selﬁsh.
But I want you to consider this idea.
It might blow your mind – I know the ﬁrst time I heard it I was like – what???
When you are self loathing – beating yourself up – who are you thinking about most?
Got your answer?
You are thinking about yourself the most when you are self loathing right – telling yourself how terrible you are and on and on.
You are not thinking about what amazing insight you might be able to contribute to the world
Now – to contrast I like to use the example of one of your dear girlfriends – I just met a couple the other night fo a glass of vino – I just love them.
Think about the girlfriend in your life that you love
You don’t get to see her often maybe
But when you maybe hear a song or see a picture it reminds you of her and you just think how much you love her
So it’s not like you think about her all the time
But when you do it’s with loving thoughts
What if that’s how you went about your relationship with yourself?
AND – step one could be as simple as starting to pay attention to how you speak to yourself
You know that voice in your head that tells you everything wrong with you
Here’s where the compassion and curiosity comes into play I mentioned earlier
You know – when you are doing this work it’s also super helpful to write down all of the crazy that’s going on in your brain
Once you write it down you can see it on paper and just observe it
And have compassion for yourself – understand it’s not WHO you are – its just HOW you are thinking
At that point you can actually decide to stop thinking like that – you don’t even have to change the thought to rainbows and butterﬂies just yet
Sometimes just getting to neutral is a great start
You just draw a line in the sand that says you will not speak to yourself like that any longer
I mean – let’s think it about it – you would never speak to a friend the way you speak to yourself
So just don’t continue to tolerate anything less for yourself
When you start having some positive self regard you actually start ﬁnding more positive attribute about yourself
You start having your own back
You start honoring commitments to yourself
Think abut it – who do you spend the most time with in your life (I asked the girls this too..lol)
You spend the most time with yourself!
Don’t you want to have a good time?
And you know the other thing that is so backwards?
We think if we just do x-y-or z – like lose weight – or get a promotion – once we get that done we will feel better about ourselves
But it doesn’t work that way
The reason you feel bad about yourself is the self critical thinking
Once you give that up you will start feeling better
And from that place you can start to see amazing changes in your life
Now – everyone is in diﬀerent stages or this but I have a fun activity for you to help you begin improving your self love
I got it from one of my mentors who attributes it to Martha Beck – in case you aren ’t familiar Martha is a Master Coach and instructor and has been on Oprah along the likes of Tony Robbins
So she teaches this concept You Spot it You Got It
The idea is basically that if you see an attribute in someone else that you love you also have it
It sometimes comes up when somebody else irritate you -but it can work in the positive as well
That’s how we are implementing today – in the positive
So you start by thinking of someone you love – or admire – so someone like a friend or mentor or girl crush – whomever
Now write down 5 qualities you love about her (or him)
And then rewrite the list in the ﬁrst person
So when I did this while ago I thought of a colleague – Some of the things I had –
I thought she has her shit together, she is business savvy, she is on top of her game,
Then I rewrote that in the ﬁrst person
And everyday I just kept reading it over and over
Now you may not believe them right away
Thats totally ok
But what if you started looking for evidence of these thoughts?
How would you change your self talk?
How would you start thinking diﬀerently about yourself?
Imagine if you showed up in a way for yourself like you do for your girlfriends?
What would that all look like?
Now listen – self love isn’t something that just starts after you listen to this, go to bed for an overnight and magically wake up hugging yourself – lol – as I say that I think – I did have the girls give themselves a hug as part of the entry to the self love club…lol..
But seriously – here’s what happens – if you can just start being open to the idea of self love you start your brain in a new direction and you begin priming a new belief system
And I promise you – when you start loving yourself everything can change AND – everyone around you beneﬁts
OK friends – that’s what I have for you today.
Hey – are we hanging out on the socials? I’m on Facebook and Instagram – at michellebourquecoaching and I love to add free content there during the week – come join me .
Ok – Let’s circle back next week -but for now – make it a great day – take care