Ep 248 Empowering Relationship Thoughts

Join me today as I share some thoughts around relationships and how you can feel more empowered on a day to day basis.  Relationships are interesting and we have been socialized to believe they should look a certain way in each setting.  In this episode I am discussing how I don’t agree with that and what you can do to start feeling better with some of the folks you interact with all the time. In This Episode:

• Celebrating 18 years anniversary
• How socialized thinking and family beliefs might hold you back
• A new take on partnerships and bringing your full self to the table
• The importance of stopping the need to control others
• Learn more about the mindset and breath work confidence program: CLICK HERE

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Episode Transcript – Transcribed by OtterAI with minimal edits: You are listening to the It’s Your Time podcast and I’m your host certified life coach Michelle Arnold Bourque. In today’s episode, I’m discussing empowering Relationship Insights. Welcome to the richer time Podcast, the podcast, we’re busy professionals, like you get the practical solutions and support you need to gain control of your schedule. So you can strive to be the best in your career, but without the stress and overwhelm. If you’re looking to increase your energy and decrease your stress, you are in the right place. Hello, hello. Hello. Welcome back to the podcast friends, how is your summer going? Hopefully, you are enjoying it. We actually just got back from a long weekend in New Hampshire on the coastline celebrating our anniversary, teen years if you can even believe it? Well, we’ve been together for 25 years. But what happened was we dated for seven. And Marc used to always say, Sure, we’ll get married when the word Sox win the World Series. And then they did you see he thought he was safe after what was it 86 years of losing, then he had to pay the price. So we enjoyed the weekend. And I just thought that it might be fun to share some of my thoughts on relationships with you here today. Not that I pretend to be an expert. But I do think some of what I have learned might help you feel a little bit more at peace, perhaps more empowered. And that is always a good thing in my book. Oh, speaking of books, I also started reading a new book this past weekend, and I highly recommend it. It’s called 10x is easier than to x by Dr. Benjamin Hardy. I’m still in the process of reading it. But my guess is I will come back here and do a little review for you. Because I think it is so impactful. But let’s go ahead and jump into today’s topic because I think this really is an important one, I see many folks having challenges or maybe feeling overwhelmed or frustrated. And I believe a lot of that comes from specifically around the relationship ideas, society’s expectations of what relationships, quote unquote, should be. And this might come from family beliefs, as well as societal beliefs, it might come from friends thoughts about what relationships should look like. And maybe those thoughts from everyone else just don’t work for us. The thing is, relationships are interesting, because they often come with that baggage of beliefs on what they quote unquote, should look like. And what I have learned more recently, and I share with you, if it helps you, hopefully sooner in life is you get to define what you want any relationship to be. And so often we think they the other person in the relationship should be doing X, Y, Z, and then they don’t, and then we get frustrated trying to change them. Now, when I’m talking, and this episode, this can be relationships with partners, family members, colleagues, bosses. So as always, I want you to try to think of a situation in your life, where this can apply, and then take action in a way that works for you. Now, believe me, if I figure out how to change the other person to meet our expectations, always, I will do a special podcast alert. But in the interim, we shall focus on what we can control. And I will tell you for many years, and many areas of this relationship, I used to think it needed to look a certain way based on others expectations. Listen, sidenote, people judge, they always will. And you know what we judge as well. It’s all part of being human. But when it really becomes an issue, it’s when you start living your life based on their judgments versus your desire of what relationships should look like. Now, Mark coached football for decades. And so there were many family functions that he did not attend my brother’s wedding, for example. And Marc was like, who gets married in October? The joke is all the coaches have about the same anniversary weekend in July because that was the only time that they could get off from work. And I recall at that wedding, someone said something to the effect to me of are you getting divorced? Why is he not here? And I’m like, it’s called work. And that’s the kind of thing that you have to be aware of and not make it mean anything, right? You get to decide what your relationship looks like. And I’ve talked about this before. We don’t have kids. People have lots to say about that process. And back when we were going through it, I used to make it mean that I was doing something wrong. So that is the first key here. Get clear on what is important to you. I just allowed my brain to go will go off the rails and think that everyone else was correct and what their thoughts were about what our relationship should be. So you get to decide what is important to you, you get to decide how you want to feel in the relationship. And then you get to decide what actions are aligned with that. And then notice the results that you get. Remember, what you focus on, you will find more of so decide on purpose, what the goodness looks like for you. People will say and do things, it is your job to be intentional with how you want to react to said actions. And it is for sure, not always easy. Trust me, there has been frustration and crying and thinking things that should be different. And there has also been fun and love and knowing that we can always figure it out. I prefer to focus more on the letter, and you get to decide what that is for you. And let me share a tip with you. When you are thinking about what’s important to you. You need to decipher facts from beliefs. Because a belief often seems like a fact, since you’ve thought it for so long. A belief is actually optional. And if it works for you, as I always say, rocket, if it causes you grief, get curious about it. What do you want to keep it beliefs could be something perhaps along the lines of he should make the money in this household. And I have a friend who thought this for a long, long time, it was tied to actually religious beliefs as well. And it held her back for a while from really stepping into her power of what she was capable of. And I will say she changed her thinking around that and she is freaking rocking it. beliefs could also circle around maybe chores that you have at home like he should be doing this or she should be doing that. None of that is true. It’s maybe what we have been taught in patriarchal ways. But we can get curious about does it work for me. And I know I have been guilty, not knowingly at the time. And let me just stop for a minute and make sure you hear this. A lot of times we are not even aware of how these beliefs affect us, because they are so ingrained and seem sometimes so noble. So opening up your brain to become more aware of what you’re thinking is super important. And my beliefs have often been sugar coated with my desire to change any part of Mark. It’s because I care. And I can see that pattern and many relationships in my life. You guys, this can truly be for any relationship. Maybe you think you’re trying to control the other person, like your kids, your parents, your colleagues, your employees, and you think it’s because you’re doing the right thing. And you know what’s best, I will tell you, it can be torture, we all get to have our journey in life. Allowing that can bring so much more peace and appreciation to the relationship. Remember, they insert whoever the other person is for the relationship. Don’t make us feel anything. When you are thinking and listen, I still do this at times and need to refocus. So when you are thinking, they make me so angry, or they make me crazy, stop. Take a breath and think about what it was they just did or said. And then consider what are you making it mean? That is the gold, knowing what you make it mean? That is what is causing you the feeling. Knowing that you hold the power is a huge part to creating your life on purpose. It is a meta skill that you can take into all areas of your life. Now, let me give you a hint number two, it’s often best to give yourself the same grace, you get to live the life that you want to as well. And when I say they get to have their journey, you also get to have your journey. And that includes being able to set standards, expectations, boundaries. And when I say they get to have their journey, I don’t mean they get to do whatever they want to you. Here’s the thing. So many of us and I think this is especially true in therapy situations, have been told, I tell you what I need for you to do and then I feel a certain way, right? We come together in the relationship and I tell you what I need and then you do it and I feel whatever. And then you tell me what you need. And then I’ll do that and then you’ll feel a certain way. It’s like we each come to the table as 50% of ourselves because the other 50% is trying to do what the other person needs in order to feel a certain way. Michelle Bourque 9:57 Doesn’t it sound so convoluted when we actually Say it out loud. I don’t love this idea, you might be able to tell. In fact, I think my girl Robin recently said on a peloton class best. You remember Jerry Maguire, You complete me, that whole big scene like You complete me. She said, That’s bullshit, I like to think you come to the relationship as 100%. And your partner does the same, right? What Robin is talking about is you complete yourself, it gets to be and not or so when I’m saying this, I don’t want you to hear me saying, I just am selfishly taking care of myself, and I don’t give a crap about you know, it means I am appreciating myself, I am appreciating what you are bringing to the table. And we come together as our whole selves instead of trying to manipulate and do things for the other person. I’m telling you, it’s way more fun when you can both just be yourself and be okay with that. When you can see that it’s not the boss, the mother in law, the sister or the partner or the friend like insert, whoever none of them are making you feel a certain way with what it is they do or say. In fact, I want you to take a moment right now. And think about someone that you really love. And it can be anyone even a pet. Okay, got it. Now, I want to point out to you, you are feeling the love based on simply thinking about them. They are not well, I’m guessing they’re likely not right in front of you doing or saying any particular thing. It is your thinking. You can even think about a person who has passed away that you have lots of loving thoughts about and can feel connected to and have a relationship still and they are not with you. It is truly your thinking that helps empower you in your relationships. Now. I want you to play around with this. Get curious start becoming aware oftentimes there’s patterns and what we are doing in our relationships. And of course as always, if you have questions I want you to reach out to me on the socials at Michelle Bourque coaching. Okay friends, well, here’s cheers to hopefully figuring out another 18 plus years and of course I will always come back and share it with you. But for now, we will plan to meet back next week and I want you to make it a great day. Take care Michelle Bourque 12:41 Did you know you can take this work to a deeper level with me one on one. Go to Michellebourquecoaching.com and click on get started to begin