Ep 238 Letting People Be Wrong About You

Join me today as I talk about the importance of letting people be wrong about you.  For so many high achieving, people pleasing women the desire to have others like you runs high.  This becomes a problem when others don’t always agree with what you say, stand for, or do – and you take on their thoughts as truth.  Check out todays podcast where I share two recent examples of needing to allow people to be wrong about me – what happened, how I responded and what you can do in the future in order to protect your peace.

 

In this episode: 

• When people say things about you that are not true – how you react is integral to your sanity 
• Nervous system responses to others interactions 
• Allowing others to be wrong about you
• Think – Feel – Do cycle and how you create your results – not what others say 
• Newest way to work with me – www.michellebourquecoaching.com/confidence 

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Episode Transcript: Transcribed by OtterAI with minimal edits

You are listening to the it’s your time podcast and I’m your host certified life coach Michelle Arnold Burke. In today’s episode, I’m discussing the importance of allowing others to be wrong about you. Welcome to the richer time Podcast, the podcast where busy professionals like you get the practical solutions and support you need to gain control of your schedule. So you can strive to be the best in your career, but without the stress and overwhelm. If you’re looking to increase your energy and decrease your stress, you are in the right place.

Michelle Bourque 0:36 Hello, hello. Hello. Welcome back to the podcast friends. How are you doing today? Can you even believe that it is already the middle of May? I have to tell you I am so pumped because as I record this, the weather is getting so nice in New York. And I know that I say our thoughts create our feelings. But at times I sure do believe that that sun helps, right? Okay, listen, speaking of feelings, let’s jump right into today’s topic and the idea of allowing others to be wrong about us. And here’s why this is important. So many times, we attribute others either other external sources or other folks as to determining our feelings like they made me mad, or they really upset me or this job drives me crazy. And when we are doing that, we lose our power, the other person needs to change in order or the situation needs to change in order for us to feel better. What I want for all of you is a clear understanding of emotional adulthood, it means we take full responsibility for every single thing we feel. And this is no small feat, my friends, and many folks will not take on the challenge, it can be hard. And also, we have been conditioned to look outside of ourselves for just about everything, especially women. And when you can truly step into emotional adulthood, you truly step in to your superpower of knowing you are always in control of your life. And today, I want to share some recent examples of how this came up for me. And I also want to share a recent story from a mentee that I was working with. And as always, I want you to take the ideas here and apply them to your life. Think about situations that you are dealing with, and how this can apply to your life. This is not just Storytime with Michelle, okay, I am here to help you make the changes that you most want in life so that you can do more of what you want in life and feel better along the way. And feeling better, has to also do with the energy that you’re bringing to your life, and how you regulate your nervous system, which is important as you make your way through this world. Speaking of storytime, when Michelle, I have to say, Remember back in the day, the two gals that were looking in the magic mirror on the swings, and I think they would look through the mirror and say, I see Eleanor and I see Casey and I see Carrie and Jamie and Laura. I loved that show with a chuckle patch. Okay, I digress. And most likely, ah myself with that story. So here are two stories that came up for me recently. One out of the blue, I received a message from someone and I will keep it the PG version here. But it basically was saying things like I was a loser, and I pretend to be positive. And I’m not. And I think I’m better than everyone else. And a few other things, but you get the gist. And I will say in the moment, I could feel my stomach drop. That’s part of the nervous system response. Remember, our brains are hardwired to be part of the tribe, we want to belong. And this for sure didn’t feel like much belonging. Now. And the next example, someone told me that they didn’t like the recent podcast on intentional weight loss, which by the way, is episode number 236. If you missed it, I have to say, I still think it was good one because this person thought that I was trying to be a nutritionist and tell people how to eat. And this instance, I felt my body wants to go into a defensive mode. And the more I do this work and the more you do this work, the more you can pay attention to what is going on in your body and learn how to regulate it. What is simply happening is we have a thought it activates chemicals in our brain and then we start to feel the sensations in our body. And I am in the process of completing my breathwork certification. And I will tell you a simple heart coherence breath like in for six seconds 123456 and out for six seconds. Same thing 123456 can really help to calm that initial response. Now, here is where we are going to break down some of the cognitive tools that I use in coaching and you can use in your life and specifically, let’s first take a look at the think feel do cycle. So in both cases, people Well said words, that is effect, we can just use the exact words that they said. Now, the things you’ll do cycle comes in here. They said words. And you think what, and let me give you a caveat here. Sometimes we have an automatic thought that might not be super useful. But the point of this work is to decide on purpose, what you want to think. And sometimes we feel like we have to prove ourselves to that other person and prove ourselves to them that they are wrong. Here’s an interesting twist to this, most of the time, when we feel super defensive, there is something within us, that might have a bit of insecurity around it. So if someone says, I’m a loser, there might be a bit of leftover air in my body from not being picked for cheerleading or gym back in the day. I mean, I kind of do chuckle, but there is truth to what we store in our subconscious. And in our bodies. I’m reading this book, the body keeps score right now. And it is so fascinating. So I have that initial stomach drop. But then I can decide on purpose, what I want to think, clearly, this person was a little confused, or as it turns out, received inaccurate information from somebody else. And when I can drop into curiosity, thinking BPS are confused and wonder where this is coming from, I am more open to reaching out and having a conversation, which is what I did. And I will take a pause here to just point out one more angle of how what the words other people say, are not what cause your feelings. And this situation, some people could see the words and think I would never talk to that person again. And other folks could see the same exact words and think this could be an opportunity to have a conversation, same words, different thoughts, and each of those two sentences. And listen, by the way, there’s many sentences that could come up when you see those words, right. So there’s always many options of choosing your thoughts. And they will all elicit a different feeling. That is the magic. It is not the external person or situation that causes you the feeling. And what’s so interesting is paying attention to the energy in your body, which honestly, I don’t think a lot of busy high achieving women do this. And it has taken me years. And I will say even with my breath work that I’m learning, and all of the mindset tools that I use. After the conversation was done, I felt a new lightness in my body. And this is what I want you to pay attention to. I have been doing this for a long time. And I thought I was in a good place before the conversation, but my body was still holding on to some of that ik energy. And when you’re going around in your day to day life, I want you to consider how do you feel? Like really? What is your energy? Like?

Michelle Bourque 7:54 Do you feel as if you have the weight of the world on your shoulders? Are you stressed and anxious and tight? Do you maybe feel stuck in life? Maybe yes, yes, yes. Right, depending on the day. I know so many high achieving women. Just think this is the way it is. It’s not you can make the changes. And as always, if you need help with this, please go to Michelle Bourque coaching.com, forward slash connect, and we can get on an energy and time audit call. Okay. Now, the second example, I did feel an immediate desire to defend. And here’s the reason I was so intentional with that podcast to not talk about actions, and to make sure there was no diet messaging in there. And yet, so here’s the thing. At that point, I can just decide that I know there was no intention about being any sort of nutritionist, and I can just decide they might be wrong about what was going on here. Listen, folks, we have been conditioned, especially women to work on not disappointing others, and then we do things or not do things as a way to manipulate their feelings. And in the process, we often disappoint ourselves. Enough of that. There are two ways to look at this. Number one, disappointment is a feeling that they caused by their thoughts, what they’re thinking, right, if we are talking about knowing our thinking is what causes our feelings, then that would coincide with the fact that other people’s thoughts create their feelings. But number two, let’s just say we might disappoint others. And if you know your intention is good, you are in alignment with your core values. You can just decide, it’s okay if they are wrong about you, versus trying to continuously prove yourself and in the process, increase your stress and overwhelm along the way. Instead, I suggest that you use that energy to pay attention to what you want in life. And this doesn’t mean everyone else. It just means. I think I’m important, and I think you’re important, and I can only control my Self. So I will do the best I can. And I promise as you take greater care of yourself, others around you will benefit. It is not selfish. Okay? Now, the last example is going to be a true breakdown of the thing field do cycle and how your thinking creates your results. So whether it’s what someone else said, or in this example, an external situation, you are always the one in charge. I was talking to a recent mentee who was frustrated because she had been applying for jobs for six months. And she hasn’t signed on the dotted line. And so she said, out of frustration, she stopped applying, guess what, she still doesn’t have a job. Now, let’s look at the breakdown. And think about this for you. Frustration can be very common amongst so many folks and so many circumstances, and will often leave people to quit. But when we break it down, the facts here are that she applied for X number of jobs in six months and received zero offers. Her thought was, it’s not happening fast enough. Listen, pretty sure most of us can relate to that thought, I for sure have in different situations, and she felt frustrated, and her actions. So the do or in this case, not do was to stop applying. And the result is for sure it’s not happening fast enough, right? Because she isn’t even applying but here’s the thing, she doesn’t not have a job because any other reason, then she is thinking it’s not happening fast enough, we can have the same exact circumstance, the applying for X number of jobs and getting zero. And there are so many other things to think one thought could be, I’m going to figure this out. Notice, I didn’t jump to you, I’m going to have the most magnificent job by tomorrow, no simple shifts, I am going to figure this out. That might lead to more of a feeling of determination, or commitment. And then the actions are more like keep applying ask for feedback network with intention, learn to keep going and keep on going. And then the result will be she will figure it out. It is like magic friends, we have been taught that others determine our feelings. And it really leaves us an unknown situation because at least as of this recording, I have yet to figure out how to change others, either other people or external circumstances that really suits my fancy. Okay, as soon as I do, I’ll let you know. But you can change your own thinking around it. And let me be clear, this does not mean people say negative things and you just sit there and accept it and think life is hunky dory. It means you step into your power and decide how you want to react knowing you can let them be wrong about you. You can decide you don’t have to believe them. And from there, you pay attention to how you feel. Notice if your energy feels in alignment with what your values are and then take action. It is so much more empowering to create your life in this way. Remember, if you want help with this, let’s connect Michelle Bourque coaching.com/Connect. Okay, friends, that’s what I have for you today. Take what works leave what does it and please share this with a friend who you think could benefit and let’s be back here next week for another opportunity to transform your life. Make it a great day take care

Michelle Bourque 13:26 Did you know you can take this work to a deeper level with me one on one. Go to Michellebourquecoaching.com and click on get started to begin