Ep 219 Top Skills at Work Challenging Intimacy at Home

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Join me as I share a recent conversation with Rhonda Farr.  We discussed how the skills that make you a rockstar at work challenge your intimacy at home.

We talked about some of the challenges high achievers face around intimacy and how some of the best skill sets in your career are often the the ones that sabotage intimacy in your personal relationships. 

The clients she most often helps seem to have everything on the outside, but still feel empty at home.  We discussed how society and gender roles and having the skills to solve and control everything around you might play into this. 

We also had fun sharing some personal stories with you – listen today.

In This Episode:

• Skill sets that make you a rockstar at work challenge relationships at home
• Wanting to solve and control everything around you and how this leaves you feeling empty
• The first steps in how to find more balance in your personal life
• Masculine energy driving actions
• Slowing down to speed up and make lasting change in your life
• Find Rhonda – IG: @rhondafarr_coaching www.rhondafarr.com
• www.michellebourquecoaching.com/2023

Episode Transcript:  (Transcribed by OtterAI with minimal edits)

You are listening to the it’s your time podcast and I’m your host certified life coach Michelle Arnold Bourque, and today’s episode, I’m sharing a recent conversation with Rhonda Farr where we discussed when the skill set that makes you a rockstar at work challenges your intimacy at home. Welcome to the It’s Your Time Podcast, the podcast where busy professionals like you get the practical solutions and support you need to gain control of your schedule so you can strive to be the best in your career, but without the stress and overwhelm. If you’re looking to increase your energy and decrease your stress, you are in the right place.

Michelle Bourque 0:44 Hello, hello, hello, welcome to 2023 friends, hopefully you had a great new year and you are still on track to accomplish whatever goals you have set for yourself. And I have a treat for you today. But before I get into it, I want to let you know, I held a class over the weekend on closing out 2022 and planning for future you 2023 And you can get the replay if you would like help staying on track with your new goals. Simply go to Michellebourquecoaching.com/2023 to receive it. And that’s just the numbers 2023. Okay, on to today’s podcast. You may have heard her here before, and I brought her back to start the new year because her episodes are always so popular. Today I’m sharing a conversation I recently had with Rhonda Farr Rhonda helps strong individuals high achievers create more emotional intimacy. She is amazing at helping these folks who are high performers in their careers, but maybe not feeling so hot when it comes to relationships. We talked about some of the challenges that high achievers face around intimacy and how some of the best skill sets in your career are often the ones that sabotage intimacy. We talked about feeling empty at home. And we talked about some gender and society rules that may play into this. And we just had some fun sharing personal stories with you all. So it is always such an honor to share these conversations, and I hope that you find some nuggets of gold to help you. Without further ado, enjoy the conversation.

All right. Well, welcome back to the podcast. Rhonda. It’s so exciting to have you here. Can you just start by introducing yourself in whatever way you think is best? Unknown Speaker 2:38 Well, I am Rhonda far as you said, I’ve been here before. So thank you for having me, again, super excited. I do a lot of coaching in the emotional connection space. So you might hear me today talk about like intimacy and connection. And what I usually mean by that is our ability to connect emotionally. I think we talked a lot about that last time. And I think today we’re going to dive into a little bit more about how our ability to thrive and succeed and excel really at work. Often sabotages that intimate connection that we really crave. I think all of us crave connection and intimacy and acceptance on a deeper level at home and in the relationships that matter most. So I mostly coach, high achievers, high performers. Most of my clients are men at this time. But as you and I both talked about women can have this personality type and a need for awareness in this area, too. Michelle and I both consider ourselves on this spectrum over more on them male energy, is that how you would say it? Michelle Bourque 3:52 Yes. Yeah, I was gonna say that or masculine energy for sure. I mean, we were kind of laughing before we started recording because I was like, oh, yeah, you mean intimacy isn’t like on your list of things to do that you play? Unknown Speaker 4:03 Back check check. Exactly. Yeah. So we might be talking about things that I might accidentally slip and say, men or whatever. But this applies, like to anybody who’s out there who’s really good at solving, accomplishing, like task checking, like, it applies to both. Yes. 100%. And I think there are a lot of people listening that can definitely benefit from what you’re talking about today. When you have your clients come to you What do you think are some of the top skills that are great for their careers but seem to be the challenge in the relationships either at home? Or maybe even is it also would like friendships perhaps? Yeah, sometimes for sure it is so for me though, usually my clients will come to me because they have created this life that everybody thinks looks so amazing from the outset. Right, right, like they have financial security. Usually, they have like a safe, warm home and food date, like they’re not stressing every day, usually about their bills being paid. And they probably even have, like, earn some respect at work in their career, like people look up to them. So they’re in this position where people think they’re living the good life, right. But it becomes really painful to hold on to that image or that persona. When you go home, and you feel empty. You feel this void, because that skill set and we can talk a little bit more about what that looks like in detail doesn’t equate to accolades, connection, and the quote, good life, at home and your romantic relationships, and for sure, sometimes in friendships, but most of my clients come to me because they’re craving intimacy, like true intimacy, sometimes physical, a lot of times it’s physical, but also emotional. And they just don’t feel wanted or desired.

Michelle Bourque 6:05 And do you? Where would you say the tipping point is that they actually end up coming to you? Is it based on feedback from their significant other? Is it because it’s that intimacy that they are wanting and missing out on? Like, where do you think is finally when they actually reach out to you and ask for help? Unknown Speaker 6:24 That’s a good question. I would say sometimes both right, like, sometimes it’s just, it feels so painful for them. And sometimes they have gotten feedback from their spouse. But I will say about that, like, they are often married to a spouse who is a little less dominant, not always, but often their spouse is a little bit more quiet, right? Their spouse often feels like a disappointment to them. Like they can’t measure up to their expectations, their high standards, right? Because to answer your original question, here’s what happens. These high performers, they go to work, and they’re so good at accomplishing, right, they see a task that needs to be done, and they know how to be efficient and getting that debt, they are so good at recognizing the problems and the things that aren’t working, right, which is amazing in a leadership role. But I want you to think about coming home. And all you’re seeing in your family, this could be kids, this could be friendships, but especially in your spouse, like, Oh, that’s a problem, I’m going to critique that I’m going to criticize that right. And we get confused as high performers. Or sometimes we’re even called over function errs, we get confused, because this skill set really, really works at our job. And so we’ll keep trying to do it at home, well, if I just call this out enough, if I just give them enough, quote, helpful advice, then they’ll see it too, then they’ll change and then they will be happier. And then I will be happier in the relationship will be better, right? And we keep doing it and doing it and doing it. Number one that gets very exhausting for us. It’s also like super painful when we try so hard. And we think this should work and it doesn’t. And then it gets really painful for them. And they kind of shut down. They don’t feel seen. They don’t feel heard. Like I said before a disappointment that like they’re not measuring up. This causes a real disconnect in intimate relationships. So I would say it’s both are both feeling a lot of pain.

Michelle Bourque 8:22 Yeah, I could definitely see two. When you think of like the high achiever in a fast paced job, when they come home. It’s not only trying to solve the problem, but it’s also probably not taking the time to, like you said, hear and see what is actually going on with the other person’s like, here, I am just gonna fix the problem. Let’s move on to the next thing. Unknown Speaker 8:39 Yes, that’s such a good point. We’ve probably all heard that little phrase, slow down to go faster. That is so hard for the people we’re talking about, right? Because in their mind, it’s fast pace, they get a big payoff and reward in one area of their lives right at work. And so when they come home, it’s so tricky for the brain to make that turnaround that shift that, oh, if I slow down and be with this person, if I slow down and try to actually know this person, rather than solve and fix and hurry to the next to thing that I think we both want, like that, that’s better. It’s so tricky for the brain to make that

Michelle Bourque 9:23 shift. Yeah, and even as you’re seeing that, I’m thinking of another example of a woman that I’m in, like an employee resource group with and I find this for myself, and I’ve talked about it on the podcast, too. Like, when I come home, there are these like gender society rules that we think that we are supposed to like, come home and make dinner and you know, be the one to clean the house or whatever in what she said is like, all day long, I am telling neurosurgeons what to do. I do not want to come home and have to think about dinner. So it can also kind of be that disconnect, right and like what are quote unquote expectations and like know at the end of the day, I’m also Sometimes just done. Unknown Speaker 10:03 I can really relate to that. Do you see that too in your personal life like,

Michelle Bourque 10:08 Oh, 100%, I’m always like, I am not doing dinner, there are certain things that I’m just like, I’ll do dinner two or three nights a week, maybe. But I don’t want to take the brainpower to do it. Right, I want to be able to, but this goes to your point, I want to be able to spend my time thinking about work stuff. So that’s an interesting twist, right? Because that’s exactly what you’re talking about, kind of then where’s the connection when you come home? Unknown Speaker 10:32 It’s it’s really like muscle memory for my clients that it is not natural, right? Like, this is something we have to practice over and over and over, we really have to slow down and be present in order to notice that we’re doing that right. Like when I come home, I have to be intentional about creating that emotional connection.

Michelle Bourque 10:54 Yes. And when we were talking earlier, I think it’s also it probably looks different, right? For men and women. So you’ve talked about the intimacy part of it being maybe contact sexual or not, maybe emotional. So it’s just trying to also figure out like, what does intimacy look like? For for you? The individual, right? Unknown Speaker 11:15 Yeah, totally. That’s such a good point. So most of the male clients that I have will come to me because they’re in a lot of pain, right? Like I said, they’re externally like sized up measuring, right? Like we’re talking multimillion dollar earners hear that everybody thinks are so happy. One of my clients recently said to me, he’s like, Rhonda, you know, I hang around with people making like seven, eight figures. It’s just normal. That’s what I do. He’s like, but I want you to know, something. Most of us are empty inside. Like, the world thinks that we are living this glamorous life. And he’s like, in some ways, yeah, we are. But we’ve created this beautiful looking life, and almost none of us are enjoying it. Right. And so they will come, the male clients will come with this pain point of, here I am, I have to hold on to this leadership position, like I have to put on this persona. They don’t even really feel like they have a space to be human, or we are flawed, right? And then they go home, and they’re just looking for this safe space to land like somebody who will desire me, for just me, somebody who will fulfill me, right? Although we know they need to fulfill themselves, but but that’s what they think they’re looking for. And that shows up for men more in physical intimacy. Usually, like that’s their pain point. They’re missing, missing the emotional intimacy as well, but they recognize it more as Dang. Like, I got this beautiful life. My wife doesn’t even want me. Everybody else thinks I’m great. Everybody else thinks I’m amazing. She She doesn’t desire me. And that is so painful for that.

Michelle Bourque 12:57 Yeah. And I have to imagine it’s a cycle, right? Because I see this, especially in sales, right? It’s always chasing the number, for example. So whatever the career is that they’re looking to accomplish, and then they get that and then the goalpost moves on them. So then you’re chasing that and chasing that, right. And to your point, like you’ll never feel fulfilled, if it’s always moving. Unknown Speaker 13:17 Never like this is a game that we play that has no final buzzer. Like it has no end point, you will not win this game through these external validations. Right? We think we will, we think that’s what we want. That’s why these guys and some women, I work with some high achieving women to they accomplish everything they thought they wanted. And when they get it, it’s still not enough, and they’re still not happy. And then they’re hanging around with bigger circles. And inevitably, there’s somebody who has more and better right. It’s never enough. Yes. I don’t want to go ahead. I guess I want to skip over your point, because I was afraid my brain would forget about the other side of what the women deal, right? Because they don’t usually come saying, oh, physical intimacy, that’s my pain point. Like the women feel like not emotionally wanted, right? Like not seen for who they really are. So for a high performing woman, they might be afraid, like, oh my gosh, if I outperform my spouse, then my spouse is not going to want me anymore. Or maybe that I’m going to outperform them and I’m going to be bored at home right? Like for a high achieving woman. They are often craving just this intimate, emotional connection where they can both be seen they can both feel safe. Like for me sometimes this shows up in my in my marriage. Oh my gosh, this can I tell you a funny personal story? Please do. Like I was talking to my husband twice this week, and I was telling you things that I was like super excited about things I was going to create and do. And he’s like, Oh, that’s good. I’m sure you’ll do that. And I’m like he was so supportive. There was nothing wrong with his end. answer but like, Oh, I’m sure that’ll turn out really good for you. Good job, right? Like, I was like, What? What is that? Like, some in this world was made like SEC was made like, get excited with me know these things questions describe like seeing who I am. So I was talking to one of my clients actually this happened yesterday. And he said so funny. I feel like I’m married to Alexa sometimes and I was like, oh really like, What do you mean by that? He’s like, you know how Alexa will like, answer you. And they’ll give like, appropriate answers like, but they’re just like, oh, okay, thank you for saying that. Or oh, it sounds like you mean, blah, blah, blah, right? He’s like, it’s, there’s nothing wrong with it. But it’s just like, I want that deeper connection. And so last night, I was really excited about this book ideas. And I said something to my husband about it. And he was like, oh, yeah, let’s do that. Like kind of like this. And he gave me like a hurrah, hands fist up. And I just like instinctively said, Alexa, more emotion, please. And then he started laughing. And I started laughing and I explained it to him and he wasn’t offended by it. He he kind of knows. He’s like, our conversational needs. Our emotional needs are very different. But yeah, that might be the running joke. Now. So

Michelle Bourque 16:27 funny. And I feel like I’m almost being a little bit called out because I feel like sometimes I am guilty of doing that to mark like, he’ll be telling me something. And I’ll be like, Oh, okay. And he’s like, I’m trying to have a conversation with you. I was like, Oh, I just thought you wanted like an answer feedback. Unknown Speaker 16:42 Alexa, more depth, please.

Michelle Bourque 16:45 That might be the tweet, Alexa, more emotion flees or feelings, please. Oh, my gosh, that is so funny. And I think a lot of times when we’re in these situations, we want the other person, right, I think probably step one is maybe making the other person change. And then it just gets to be like, Okay, finally we realize, and it may take it, you’re just like, oh, I can’t quite change this person. And I saw a quote that you recently posted that I thought was so perfect. It was talking about motivation, being fueled from trying to change someone else. And that’s called suffering versus intent to have self expansion. So can you talk a little about that? Because I think that’s probably, you know, people suffer before they get to you? Oh,

Rhonda Farr 17:30 yes. I’m delighted to talk about this. Okay. So the high achievers, the high performers. Like we said before, they’re used to fixing and solving, right? They see something that’s not right. It’s an amazing, beautiful talent that they have to dive in, get to work and change the external circumstance, right? That is why they are amazing at what they do. Like we said, before, we come home, and we have a spouse, husband or wife, whoever, right. And we are really good at picking out all the problems. So this high performing brain goes, Oh, problem, I’m good at solving problems. Let me call that out. Let me like get to work on changing and solving. The problem is at home, it requires us changing another person, usually, that will never work. We can make requests of the other person, we can share our insights if we do it from a place of love. But when we say there’s a problem to be solved in this marriage, and the problem is the other person’s behavior, the other person’s personality, the other person’s insert, whatever works, yes, that will never work. And so what happens is, when we’re trying to do a job that will never ever work, will never ever have a positive solution, specially as an achiever or high performer, that is the epitome of suffering. Michelle Bourque 19:00 Yeah, I think it would it would be it’s it’s maddening. I mean, I’ve, I have been guilty of trying to change folks in the past and and it seems that it doesn’t work. But when we figure it out, we will for sure, have another podcast about all of that.

Rhonda Farr 19:15 We will solve your dreams. And they will all come through Michelle Bourque 19:18 100%. And I think this is important to just go back to your point earlier of like, needing to slow down because I feel like it’s all from good intent. You want to make the change and help that other person, quote unquote, fix what’s going on what needs to be different. So I do think it comes from good intent. But I think that it’s just like so maddening. And if you just continue to attempt to make the change, attempt to make the change, attempt to make the change, and not stop to look within like that’s just going back to the same thing with moving the goalposts right. You’re never going to get it.

Rhonda Farr 19:54 Never ever, ever and thank you for bringing up that the intention is good. It Of course, it’s well intended like at, I believe that these performers, they love their spouse, like you. And I know we love our husbands. It’s not like we’re like, oh, they suck. This is the worst thing ever. Like, I’m going to tell them how bad they are. It’s almost always well intended. It’s just it is ill conceived, it does not work. And when you’re trying to solve a problem, that can’t be solved in the way you’re doing it. It will be maddening, like you said, and I want to say to to this point, like, when we’re trying to solve another person, it is actually squashing and sabotaging the thing you crave the most. So think about this, right? Like you want that person to desire you to really desire you. The thing is, when we’re trying to manipulate control, change, they have no choice anymore, like you are orchestrating it. And so even if they follow through with the actions that you wish they would, it won’t feel genuine, it won’t feel like it’s coming from a place of desire. So your attempt to control and change them. Sabotage is what you’re craving the most. Right? And that leaves Michelle Bourque 21:23 you to a place of like, so when you have these clients that come in, what are some of the things that you suggest like they’ve tried all of this? They’ve tried the changing? Like, what are some of the initial steps that you suggest for them to be able to do that looking within or to make the changes for themselves?

Rhonda Farr  21:42 Yeah, that’s a really good question. So Spoken like a true performer. Michelle, my clients are like, Okay, I’ll tell them, do you see what’s happening? Can you see where your mind’s going? Can you see how this is not working? They’ll be like, Oh, my gosh, yes, you’re right. Thank you for pointing that out. Now, what do I do? Michelle Bourque 22:01 That’s so funny. I was totally cool. Can you just tell us all how to do this? Now? Let’s step one, two, and three, and we’ll get busy. Unknown Speaker 22:07 Yes, it’s the it’s the paradox, right? Like, I see it. Now we need to stop worrying about solving, fixing, forming. Now tell me how to solve pigs and stop doing it. Right. It’s so interesting, every one of my clients, and in fact, we all just laugh about it, as soon as we call out the patterns will laugh when they say, okay, know what I do. But to give some practical steps, because I know that that’s why we’re here. First of all, it really is what I said before, you have to recognize and call it out. So here is maybe a question instead of a how I would ask your listeners. First, where do you see this happening in your life? Where are you trying to use your beautiful, amazing skill set that allows you to be a wonderful, career minded person? Where are you trying to bring those into your home? into your romantic relationships, or any relationship that is more personal? First of all, I would just make a list. Like, where do I turn on my critical eye? Like, who am I like creating this subconscious list for that if they would only do X, Y, and Z, my life would be so much easier and happier, and we could move so much faster. Michelle Bourque 23:26 I just had a thought that maybe the question for some might be when do I turn my critical eye off? It might be a shorter answer. Unknown Speaker 23:31 Oh, my gosh, that’s so good. What a great turnaround. Thank you for that. So I would first say, just start witnessing it. And whenever it happens, just start calling it out in a kind, loving way, right? Like, we don’t want to beat ourselves up for this. We want to just say, oh, there’s where it’s happening. And then when you notice it happening in real time, just call it out. Like, of course I want to solve the other person that makes sense, because it’s worked so well in other areas of my life. Of course, I think if they would just change if I could just get them to see that doing this differently would make our lives better. Like of course I’m doing that. Just call it out with some compassion and understanding of why you’re doing it. And I would do that over and over and over. I’ve been in this for a lot of years. And I still do that. That’s that’s ground level zero awareness.

Michelle Bourque 24:27 Yeah, I think that’s such a great point. And I think that’s just ties back into you’re slowing down to like be able to offer that to yourself to be able to see it. Yes. Unknown Speaker 24:37 And many of us can look back into our childhoods our early career life like other areas of our lives and see like, oh, we learned that this was a good way to handle life. Honestly, like for good reason. Yeah, I

Michelle Bourque 24:54 was just gonna say to because earlier you touched upon it a couple of times, and I think this learning kind of like says i It’ll write, like, what we have been programmed, as far as roles, like, what the men is what the men are supposed to do versus like what the females are supposed to do. And I know we’ve talked a little bit offline about this about how it just, it’s just, like so ingrained that we think that it needs to be this certain way. And, and it doesn’t, and like men should have the opportunity to have these conversations because it can be very painful. And on the flip side, for women, like you said, I don’t want to outperform out make like that keeps women playing small.

Rhonda Farr 25:32 Yes, absolutely. Those things are so subconscious for most of us that it’s so interesting. This is what I often describe to my clients, like I want you to imagine as a small child, like your brain is just open to learning. But as a kid, you don’t know that like you’re a fish in water, you don’t know you’re in the water. So you’re just open. And you’re receiving all these messages from your parents from the television shows, there was no social media back in the day when we were kids, but like church leaders, and community leaders, school, all the things so your brains wide open, you’re just receiving with no filter all of these messages. And then oh, by the way, the people that are programming your wide open brain, and they’re your subconscious, have no idea they’re doing it, right. Like usually sucked at school or church. Like we’re taught things intentionally. But so often, even if we’re teaching messages intentionally, the messages that we don’t mean to teach are the ones that anchor and more, right. So here we are, we’re these kids as adolescents. And we’re learning without knowing and people who are teaching don’t know they’re doing it. And they only got all this willy nilly stuff in our head. And we freakin live our whole lives by it without knowing it. Without questioning it. Michelle Bourque 26:52 Yes. And I think too, when we look back at like school, right, it’s kind of like memorize this, regurgitate it, get your award. And like, it’s never like, stop and think about what is your intuition saying? Or what do you want, right? Or what’s important to you. And to your point, these people programming us have been programmed by people before them. So it’s kind of like generation after generation. Like, we can leave some of that baggage behind. It’s okay. So true.

Rhonda Farr 27:16 I read this thing online. I don’t even know who said it first. But they were talking about, oh, you know, what a tradition is? It’s peer pressure from dead people. Michelle Bourque 27:25 I think I saw that, yes. 100%. And that’s Unknown Speaker 27:29 kind of like this to like, these roles. And these identities that we take on is just like all this baggage from dead people that were saying, No, I will carry this around. I will not put this down. So to answer your question, step number two, first is like start recognizing it. But step number two is then start deciding, like, do I want to keep doing this? Do I want to keep carrying this after we get some awareness, then we give ourselves agency.

Michelle Bourque 28:02 That’s so important. I think a lot of times because it is so subconscious. And this is why you need that first step is that you don’t think you have a choice like so often, we play this victim role, and that will never get you anywhere, knowing that everything is a choice, even if it doesn’t feel like it right? It’s us knowing we need to be able to see it to make that decision.

Rhonda Farr 28:26 100% That’s what I always tell my clients when you can have some awareness, and you can slow down and stop trying to fix and solve but just slow down and be in that moment. And really start looking at your life. You give yourself the gift of agency. And you give your spouse and partner and people you love the gift of presence and being intentional in the relationship. You give Michelle Bourque 28:51 both of yourselves that. Yeah, I was gonna say it’s also a gift that you give yourself. Absolutely. And I think there’s probably some brains exploding because it’s like, Wait, they’re telling us to slow down and to not fix things like they are crazy. I’m with you. I feel like I’ve done this for years. And there’s still instances where I’m like, Well, I’m just going to take care of this. Let’s move on.

Rhonda Farr 29:13 Totally. It’s part of the human brain. Right? Michelle Bourque 29:17 And I think to your earlier point, it’s it’s not going to end we don’t get there, right? It’s not like all of a sudden, you’ve been doing it for 15 years, and now you’re perfect and nothing else matters like you’ve arrived. It’s always if we want to evolve as a human, it’s going to be a spiral of growth continuously, hopefully, the alternative, not so much.

Rhond aFarr 29:37 100% right. 100% It’s just the way the human brain works. Its evolutionary, its biological. Like when we get those stress responses, that’s what your clients will probably start noticing when they try to change these habits or drop some of this old baggage. Their body will feel emotionally threatened. And I know that sounds so crazy, but the brain hates to have its identity challenged. And for many of us, this has become who we are, right? This is how we’ve gained our acceptance into the tribe, this is how we’ve proven our value in the family or in the community or, or whatever. So when we try to put some of that down, expect your whole nervous system to vibrate and, and respond and feel like you are under some sort of threat. It’s not a real threat, but it will feel like one. Michelle Bourque 30:28 Yeah, and I think that’s so important, especially as we’re starting the new year. And, you know, people and this is just kind of also in general, I think, you know, we’re starting the new year, people will sometimes make New Year’s resolutions, or they say they want to do whatever the new goal is. And maybe it is like improve the relationship. But you also have to be willing to leave part of the identity that you’ve had, and it doesn’t mean that anything is wrong with it. It’s just like, Okay, that was that part of my life, in order to accomplish something new, I need to do something new. Unknown Speaker 30:58 Yeah, so here’s the way I like to say that, in our childhood, these skills, they were very adaptive, right, they kept us safe, they kept us emotionally safe. For some of us, they kept us from getting yelled at by our parents, they kept us looking like the star in our small communities, or whatever. These skill sets and behaviors have been very adaptive. It’s just that when we grow up, and our lives are different, and we don’t need that emotional, like coddling so much anymore, we have our own families or our other relationships, it becomes very maladaptive. So here’s the way I like to say it even at work, right? Like this skill, even at this age in your life, can be very, very adaptive for your career goals. But when you come home and these emotional, emotionally connected relationships, hopefully emotionally connected, right? Like, it becomes maladaptive. And it’s not wrong, it’s not bad. You just need to be aware of what’s happening. Michelle Bourque 31:59 And then be able to decide how you want to have it either different. Or maybe you choose to keep it the same, but knowing that you are making that choice, Unknown Speaker 32:11 totally, because we feel like we’re at the effect of other people like oh my gosh, if they would this if I could just get them to see that blah, blah, blah, right? No, no, no, no. This really is for you to decide. And you’re right. To your point, there are some people who just say, No, I don’t want to deal with that. And they choose to be who they are, without slowing down, having more intention, and like, they’re fine with it. But that needs to be an intentional choice, or you will be suffering Michelle Bourque 32:44 100% I think so many people listening are stressed, overwhelmed, anxious. And this is like just one little facet of what could be considered more work life balance or work life integration, whatever you want to call it, knowing that it’s not all of the changing of the externals, that it’s you knowing and choosing what you want in your life. And that’s where you’re so much more empowered

Rhonda Farr 33:07 100%. And I would like to say, as we near the end here, now, a lot of your clients, as you said, are going to be like, wait, what you’re telling me to slow down, wait, but I just want to offer that is solving, fixing, credit critiquing, we’re going to ever work in your relationship, you guys would have this figured out by now. And you’d be super happy. Because you’ve been trying it for a long time, probably. And you’re really good at solving and fixing. And if that skill set, were going to be the thing to make you happy in your personal life, in your relationships, you would already have that figured out. So I just want you to consider that.

Michelle Bourque 33:46 Such a great point. Have we missed anything? I feel like there’s been a variety of things we’ve talked about here. Are we missed anything?

Rhonda Farr 33:55 I don’t know if we’ve missed anything. But I just love this conversation because I feel like what happens with many high achievers is they add an extra layer of shame and guilt onto themselves. I won’t say that we missed that. But I do want to call that out. Like when the world says, oh, there’s nothing wrong with you. You are so privileged, your life is amazing. You should be super happy. I almost feel like we get more shame. Like why am I not happy? Why? Well, if everybody only knew, like if people could see behind this curtain and then just makes us miserable. So be on the lookout for that added layer. Michelle Bourque 34:38 I think it’s so important. I’m so happy. You mentioned that because I think sometimes simply taking that layer off can be so much more freeing.

Rhonda Farr 34:46 I totally agree. You’re just a human like no matter how many accolades you have in your job, or how much financial security you have, or whatever. We all are just humans with a human brain With this number one desire to be accepted into this world to be safe in our trades to be wanted and loved as we are like, you cannot out earn that my friends like that’s the human condition for all of us. Yes, that’s Michelle Bourque 35:18 what we’re all signed up for. Yeah. Where can people find you? You

Rhonda Farr  35:25 can find me at Rhonda farr.com. If you want to go check out some of the free resources that I have. You can find me on Instagram @RhondaFarr_coaching. I’m also on Facebook, RhondaFarr_coaching, but I’m more active on Instagram. So yeah, or yeah, go find me there and send me an email and tell me what’s up.

Michelle Bourque 35:48 And we get to watch all of your fun family festivities with the boys on Instagram. 

Rhonda Farr 35:54 That’s right. I’m a mom of four boys. And I have only brothers to like I am steeped in the men’s world. So that might explain a lot about my choices and who I coach and who I am as a person.

Michelle Bourque 36:08 I’m lucky for them. Yeah, we’ll go with that. Thank you so much for being here. And I will put all of your information in the notes as well.

Rhonda  Farr 36:16 Thank you for having the show. I appreciate it.

Michelle Bourque 36:19 Okay, wasn’t that so great. I just love all of the excitement and passion Rhonda has around this topic. It’s so funny. If you follow me on Instagram @MichelleBourqueCoaching By the way, you may have seen I posted pictures of us during the interview and she was all lit up and I looked like I was shocked at what she was talking about. Perhaps I felt a little cold out at times, right but it’s just all so good. This is what we want more of in 2023 conversations that can help change the energy by which you show up in your life ways to help you feel better, to plan your life more to feel less stressed and overwhelmed and trust me that you are right where you are meant to be. And even more importantly, I want you to trust that for yourself. I will have all of the links in the notes Be sure to check Rhonda at at Rhonda Farr coaching. I’ll have the links including how to get the replay, how to get in touch with Rhonda all of the goodness will be in there. So be sure to check it out. And if you need any other information, you can always reach out to me directly on LinkedIn, Facebook or Instagram. Okay, friends, that’s what I have for you today. Use what works leave what doesn’t and tune in next week for another opportunity to transform your life. Make it a great day take care

Michelle Bourque 37:51 Did you know you can take this work to a deeper level with me one on one. Go to Michelle Burt coaching.com and click on get started to begin