Ep 179 Control and Trust

There have been a few concepts coming up this week in coaching that I think are important to share here today – control and trust.  Trying to control others can be exhausting and being able to step into trust will lead to amazing changes in your life.  Listen today to learn more about what I am talking about.

In This Episode:

• Why we try to control others 
• The problems we face when trying to control others 
• Processing Emotions – @rhonda_farrrcoaching on IG
• Stepping into self trust
• Empowering others
• Women’s History Month with Christine D’Ercole – IAMICANIWILLIDO – Peloton
• Work with me: contact@michellebourquecoaching 

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Episode Transcript:

You are listening to the it’s your time podcast and I’m your host certified life coach Michelle Arnold Burke, and today’s episode I’m discussing control, and trust. Welcome to the it’s your time Podcast, the podcast, we’re busy professionals, like you get the practical solutions and support you need to gain control of your schedule. So you can strive to be the best in your career, but without the stress and overwhelm. If you’re looking to increase your energy and decrease your stress, you are in the right place. Hello, hello, hello, welcome back to the podcast. Friends, I am going to jump right in to today’s podcast. I have been noticing some topics that have been coming up this weekend coaching and I think it’s important to talk about here. Today, I want to talk about control and trust. And listen, I am first in line with the folks signing up as control enthusiasts. It sounds so much better than control freaks, right? Thinking we can control others is such a fascinating topic to talk about. And I think there are a couple of angles to look at it many angles, of course, and today, I want to touch on just a couple of those. First off, controlling others thinking that we control others is a lie, we might think we can. And even as I say that there may be times when in the past, we have been able to manipulate, dare I say by doing and saying things that we think others want to hear. And then we think we make them happy. And so that might have us believe that we can in fact control them. And it might work to a point but friends, it gets exhausting. And it doesn’t always last. And more importantly, you are not being your authentic self, when you are trying to manipulate yourself to make others happy. It’s not stepping into the power that you hold with your own uniqueness. The truth is, the one thing that we actually can control in life are our reactions to everything in life, which that I think is great news. That’s where we hold the greatest power. And if we really believe that, that we can control all of our reactions, and that is what actually creates the results in our life. Well, that can be a much lighter task versus trying to control all of the externals in life. Now, let’s talk a little bit about why most of us do try to control things. And I want to take a moment to be clear, I’m not talking about the control that may come from dominance. That’s not what I’m talking about here. Today. I’m talking about wanting to control things because we worry things will go wrong. If we don’t, it comes more from anxiety. So it might be controlling your teammates by telling them how to do things, versus allowing them to figure it out. It might be controlling your spouse, maybe checking in on, I don’t know things like exercise habits, drinking habits, social media. And let me just say, it is all with really good intention. It’s usually because we think we need to help them. Maybe for your teammates, you want to help them excel in their positions. Or if it’s for loved ones, keep them safe or maybe keep them healthier. There usually is a really, really good reason. But it typically comes at our own suffering because when we come to the table with control, we often leave with the side dishes of frustration, disappointment, sadness, maybe grief, when people don’t do what we think they should. We do not want to base our emotional happiness on the actions of others. It really comes down to having emotional intelligence, being an emotional adult, knowing that we create our own feelings and we are responsible for our own emotions. And they are the externals, the others are responsible for theirs. So you don’t have to stay small because you worry that it might upset somebody or disappoint others. But we do need to be willing to process the emotions that we have along the way when they say that we disappointed them or upset them. We need to be willing to process the emotion that comes up for us. Maybe it’s guilt, for example, or shame. Simply ask yourself in the moment, what am I feeling? And then pay attention to the sensations that you feel in your body? Is it a tightness in the shoulders? Is it a pit in your stomach? Does your head start to pound, just name it, pay attention to it, and as you do, it will pass. And then you do it for the next emotion and the next emotion and each time you quote unquote, disappoint someone. And I say that in air quotes, because we know from the thought model or the think, feel act psycho, it’s their thinking that makes them feel a certain way. But our brains don’t always believe that. So we might get it intellectually. But subconsciously, we still believe that we impact how they feel, because we do sometimes think that we have control over their emotions. So for the sake of this podcast, I am giving it to you that you can just say you disappointed them, just so that your brain can process it, which will allow your body to follow suit. And that’s when we change lives. And if you want more info on processing emotions, check out I have two previous podcast with emotions expert Rhonda Farr soup, super fascinating information. And you can also follow her at Rhonda Farr coaching on Instagram, she is amazing when it comes to emotional processing. Now, the opposite of control, we can look at as trust. Because trust is defined as a firm belief in reliability or ability or strength of someone or something. And what I want to suggest today is that we trust more in ourselves, we trust in more of what we determine success to be for example than what we think others might think it looks for us. The highest sense of empowerment is when we can trust ourselves. And I just did a peloton ride this week with Christine for Women’s History Month. And it really had some things to reflect on. And I loved what she said here. She said, Let us find value based on our own approval. Let us turn our heads and eyes inside to all that magic that is within us. Our intuition, our creativity, our voice so that we are empowered by what we our selves are made of let this moment here be a punctuation a moment to remember the moment you shifted your focus to trusting your self, to be your own. And you know, sometimes people will come to me for coaching on confidence. But the truth is self confidence is simply the belief or the trust that you will figure it out. And the way you figure it out, quite honestly is often through failing, and learning and being willing to try again. And in that process comes along more emotional work. But we need to trust that you will always have your own back, you will process any emotions that come up. And you will know that you can handle any emotion that comes up. And that you will know exactly what the next right step is. And I think when we can all focus on more of that, and maybe less of trying to control others because we’re afraid of what we might feel if they don’t approve. That’s when we change our lives. Instead, let’s think more about what we feel when we don’t honor the internal knowing of what we do want to do. And that might be going for a promotion or starting a new job or leaving a relationship or moving. There’s so many things that it can show up as what if it really had nothing to do with everyone else and all the externals and it really had to do with you knowing that you already have everything you need within you. Interesting thought right friends. And as Christine also said in the ride, I love this. It is our words, our actions, our integrity, our grace, our own self willed impact upon ourselves, and the direction of our lives. That moves us. Let this lead you. Let this shine from you. So good. And don’t get me wrong so often when I talk about knowing more of what you want to do, doing more of what you want to do, our brain wants to say that might be selfish. It is not selfish. Think about it. When you can lead from that place and shine from that place. You open up so much more possibility for others. Trust that my friend trust you will figure it out. empower others and trust they will figure it out. We are all on our own journey. We control our paths and trust that you are right where you are meant to be today in this moment, and now what do you want to do? Have fun to consider and listen if you need help with this let’s work together send me a message contact at Michelle Burt coaching. Let me know you want to learn more about how we do that. Super easy. Okay friends, that’s what I have for you today. Let’s circle back next week but for now, make it a great day. Take care Did you know you can take this work to a deeper level with me one on one. Go to Michelle Bourque coaching comm and click on get started to begin