Ep 173 Making Others Do What We Want

Join me today as I talk about our need to make others do what we want – based on what we think is best.  In this conversation I am talking about why we want others to do what we want, why they don’t usually do it, and how we can reframe it for ourselves moving forward.  

In this Episode:

• Why we want others to do what we want them to do
• Why others don’t typically do what we want
• The stories we tell about others not doing it right
• The importance of seeing your beliefs with a coach
• Priorities 
• Compelling reason
• Suffering at our own expense 
• How to start feeling less stressed and overwhelmed by others 
• Free consult call – www.michellebourquecoaching.com/connect

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Episode Transcript:

Hello, hello, hello. Welcome back to the podcast friends. Okay, let’s jump right into today’s topic, making people do what we want them to. It may have been a bit of a hook, right? Because Don’t I wish I had the answer to that. In fact, if I did, I would be a millionaire. And I would be sure to share all of it for you. But since I haven’t quite figured out the exact process of getting people to do what I want them to, I thought today, I would shed some light on more around what is going on when we want others to do what we want, why they might not be doing what we want, and how we can reframe some of it for our own benefit. So that we can live life less stressed, less overwhelmed, maybe less sad, frustrated, resentful, whatever that feeling is for you. And this recently came up on a conversation. So I thought it would be fun to discuss here. Someone reached out to ask me why I thought people were not doing what he wanted them to do. And he thought since I was a coach, I must know how to get people to do things that are best for them. And he wanted to know the how of how that works, too, which of course, I laughed. Because, first of all, as a coach, I never know what is best for anyone. You all have different life experiences in my job is never to have an agenda except for of course, to show you your brain and showing you how your thinking is creating your results. And it’s always from curiosity and compassion. And once you see it, because listen, we all have blind spots. So having someone be able to show you that info is gold. And then you decide if you want to continue thinking the things or make the changes. So his premise was initially off. But I was for sure curious as to what was going on here. And I know that there were good intentions. He wants people to be healthier. And so he tells them to start exercising, eating right. Stop drinking, and smoking. Sounds a little boring, right? So, of course, that in his mind is the way that you get healthy to which I asked, says you because folks, I’ll be honest, if someone just outright told me start exercising more eating better stop drinking, don’t smoke. Well, I don’t smoke. I never have. Oh, except for that one time in fifth grade behind my neighbor’s barn. I tried it. But that was it for the record in case anything is found out. Okay. But honestly, the rest of the request might sound like I said, kind of boring to some. So the first thing to consider when we are trying to get people to do what we want is do they even have a reason to want it for themselves? And that’s a pretty important step that we often miss. And trust me when I tell you, I get it. There are people in my life that I for sure. I think I know best as to what can make them healthier. And it can be maddening, sad, hurtful, many emotions that I’m sure you all experienced when I think something along the lines. They don’t care enough to take care of themselves. But you have to stop and really look at what you are making their actions or inactions mean. What is the story you are telling yourself when someone doesn’t do what you want them to do? Because usually our brain can be a bit dramatic. And it can sometimes be about the smallest things. Someone doesn’t take out the trash or do the dishes and we want to tell ourselves something like they don’t care anymore because they don’t take out the trash. No. Usually the case most often is that they just didn’t think it was that big of a deal. And yet we feel angry, sad are frustrated, because of the story that we tell about them not doing the thing. And as I go through this podcast, I want you to think about a scenario in your life, where maybe you have really wanted somebody to do the thing. And they haven’t. And take this into account, as I’m talking here, because it’s so important to see that when we feel the emotions about them not doing the thing that we want them to do, it’s not because of what they are not doing. The truth is, they could not do the thing. And another person would think nothing of it. It truly is, what we tell ourselves about what they are not doing. That is where the suffering, our suffering, comes into play. So most of the time, we want others to do what we want, so that we feel better. Back to the example of wanting something for someone so they can be healthier. This seems like a noble and just idea. And many people would agree that it makes sense, to exercise more, eat less, stop drinking, stop smoking at all seems to be a quote unquote, good thing. But let’s be clear, part of why we want that is because we don’t want to feel something, if we think they are not healthy. We don’t want to feel like we have somehow failed, taking care of them. We don’t want to feel maybe sadness, that they are not in a place that we think they should be. Again, it’s that we think they should be. And you can even use an example at work, we often think people should just know what needs to be done, they should just do it the way we know is best. But again, we have to stop and challenge our own thinking. Because what if what we think is best, is really not. I remember one of my coaches called me out on this one day, because I was talking to her about all the things and the way it should all be looking. And she just asked, Who made you God? So stop and ask yourself that we like to control a lot of things. And I joke and say that I for sure am a control enthusiast. I mean, you can totally use that it sounds way better than a control freak, doesn’t it? But at the end of the day, call it whatever you want God universe, higher power, there is someone a little over our pay grade that has different plans. And what if we allowed ourselves to release some of the control and trust that things happen as they should. And I’ll let you in on a little secret. You of course, do not have to do that you do not have to release and trust, you can argue with what is. But it still is trusting things happen as they do simply allows you a little more peace in your life, trusting that we all have different journeys, and some are on paths that we might not be allows you to release some of the worry, the overwhelm the frustration, thinking that it should all be different. And I like to use the thought it’s this or something better. What if that was true? What if it’s not what you think is best, but it’s something even better? What if that was true? And let’s look at why people do not do what we want them to do? Well, as I mentioned earlier, usually they don’t have it as a priority. They don’t have a compelling reason to do it for themselves. And listen, maybe you get lucky here and there. And they do things that they don’t really want to do just to make you happy. But just stop and ask yourself, do you really want someone showing up and in an authentic way, manipulating what is real for them in order to please you, I mean, I talk about us, not people pleasing. It goes the other way too. When we can all show up as our own unique hot messes. That’s when we can get to the truth of what is. So the first reason is they don’t have the priority set. They don’t have the compelling reason. But you know why else? Sometimes people don’t do the things that we want them to do. They simply don’t believe in themselves. And a lot of us can relate. We have big goals, and we sit around thinking about the perfect way to implement them. And then we wait And we wait. And we wait because we just aren’t sure if we can do it. When we believe in ourselves, we take action towards our dreams. So just take that into consideration. Maybe there is a lack of belief for them as to what is possible. And not for nothing friends. But remember, our brain is designed on a motivational triad to avoid pain, seek pleasure, and be as efficient as possible. So, if you’re telling someone again, as the example to be healthy, cut back on eating and drinking and start exercising the brain is like hell no, that is taking away from my pleasure. It’s adding to my pain, and it’s not what I’m used to. So it’s a process for them. For us. It’s the work of being intentional, of thinking on purpose of unlearning a lot of what we have been taught in life, and creating new ways of thinking. It’s called being human. Now, how can you start reframing this as you go? As I always say, awareness is the first step. Sometimes we are so into our belief that we know best, we don’t even see that as a thought. And that is what creates the suffering for us. So pay attention to when you start thinking that you know best about how others should be living. Call yourself out on it, question it. Notice how you feel when you think about it? What do you make it mean, when someone doesn’t do what you want? And what else could be true? We have to know the stories that we are telling ourselves first in order to reframe them. But also, what would happen if you are willing to let go of thinking all needed to be a certain way? Can you be open to the idea of this, or something better? It really is unlearning and then questioning your current belief system in order to see that they really are beliefs. Because remember, a belief is simply a thought that we have thought over and over and over. And now it’s a belief. But oftentimes, we think it’s a fact, the difference is, beliefs can be changed. And our beliefs are not facts. And this is where having a coach comes into play. It’s not that we tell you what to do. It’s that we show you how your brain thinks things are facts. And when you think it’s effect, you just continue to live by it. That’s when you often feel stuck versus seeing it as a belief, having that opportunity to open up and deciding if you want to change it in order to get different results in your life. Because not everyone agrees for example, that the way to be healthy is calories in calories out. So what else could be true? What else could be true in your life, and here is the key my friend show up in your life with compassion and curiosity. That is the bottom line. Be open to other possibilities for yourself and for others. And from that place, you will gain so much more energy and be able to release some of the stress and overwhelm. Okay, friends, that’s what I have for you today. Again, if you are interested in learning more about one on one coaching, I have three spots currently open just go to Michelle Bourque coaching comm forward slash connect and that’s where you can get on the schedule for a free consult call so that we can discuss more about you. Okay, that’s what I have for you today. Let’s circle back next week but for now, make it a great day take care