Ep 152 Boundaries in Life & Work

Episode Notes:

Join me today as I discuss the importance of setting boundaries in life and work.  We can no longer blame work or others for our overwhelm – we are in control of what we do and don’t do every single day.  Listen in as I talk about why we don’t set boundaries, why it’s important to start implementing and what you will receive in return when you do.

In This Episode:

• Spiral of growth from 8 year olds to 47 
• Self confidence
• Setting boundaries in your personal life
• Setting boundaries in your career
• Fear of feeling feelings
• Adding more joy to your life
• Reach out – contact@michellebourquecoaching.com 

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Transcript:

Michelle Bourque 0:00 You are listening to the it’s your time podcast and I’m your host certified life coach Michelle Arnold Burke, and today’s episode, I’m discussing boundaries at work and home. Welcome to the richer time podcast, the podcast where busy professionals like you get the practical solutions and support you need to gain control of your schedule. So you can strive to be the best in your career, but without the stress and overwhelm. If you’re looking to increase your energy and decrease your stress, you are in the right place. Hello, hello, hello. Welcome back to the podcast friends, what is going on in your world? I have to say, I just came back from a fun weekend with the nieces. I actually got to see all of them. And of course, you know how I like to share some of the stories of those adventures and relate it back to lessons for mindset here with you, right. And today’s podcast is about boundaries, which is a little different than this story. So I’m hoping you will just humor me, it kind of ties in, perhaps you can just consider it an added bonus lesson. Okay? So we love singing that song that Martina McBride has. This one’s for the girls, you know, the one I’m talking about. I mean, we laugh because I think the oldest is in that song The lyrics are she’s 42. And I’m past that the story within this song is basically as much as we are different. There are things about us that resonate across the lines, right. And I think it comes down to a spiral of growth, we have opportunities to learn from the universe at all ages. And until we really get clear on the lesson, it often comes around and around for us, right. And it might look a little different from year to year, or from one situation to the next. But at the end of the day, it tends to keep getting served up to us until we get it and so I saw this this weekend, Friday night, we did dinner at a very fancy restaurant. And as we walked in to my nieces, were saying things like, this is too fancy for me or I don’t belong here, or I hope I don’t fall. I think they were also saying I hope I don’t break anything. I’m sweating and shaking and I was dying, laughing. And I assured them, they have walked into restaurants before and they know how to eat dinner. So I think we’re going to be just fine, right? And it’s funny, because someone recently asked me about self confidence. And a lot of times we think self confidence is something that we have to have before we do something new. That’s not it at all. We simply need to believe we will figure it out. And we always do. Don’t we remember that. But to keep with the story. So let’s fast forward. And now we’re at Sunday morning. And I was in charge of getting the girls to a softball game. And one actually had a game to play. My thoughts were along the lines of I’m not a mom, I don’t know where she’s supposed to be. I was not athletic. I have no idea how this works. And not to mention, I kept getting the game wrong because I called it baseball each time. They were like my show. That’s what grandma calls it. But the truth is, I also knew we would figure it out, right? I mean, let’s face it, what do you have to do? Well, of course, you just have to find all the other little girls that are dressed in black and red and white. And then there we go. Listen, we all have thoughts that tell us we might not belong, we might be out of our league. Maybe a pun was intended there, or we are not maybe doing enough. And like I said, these thoughts might look different at each age. But the key is for all of us. Whether you’re 12 or 47. Seven, right? We don’t have to believe the thoughts, getting aware of them, being able to simply see them in your mind and decide, oh, well, that’s not super useful. I can actually shift this now. It can be different. That’s when you see the changes in your life. And that leads me to today’s podcast topic because I have been hearing from a bunch of you about challenges and struggles with boundaries and feeling overwhelmed, wanting to change things. And I promise you, if you don’t want to start setting boundaries and sticking to them, you will continue to get that lesson in your life over and over. So let’s dive in now. I have been reading and learning more and more about feminine energy versus masculine energy. And I think a lot of Careers Out There, especially the one I’m in with device sales is still very masculine energy, still pretty boys club ish in some instances. And everyone thinks that they have to hustle and be busy in order to be successful and worthy. And I’m talking hustle like, you can never leave your phone. I’m talking hustle like you miss family functions, you’re missing dinners with the families. And a lot of times, it’s rewarded. But is it really the only way? Is it possible to bring your authentic feminine side and be able to set boundaries? And listen, this is never a podcast where you know, we hate men kind of podcast, I know they’re out there. This is not that one. I’m all about empowering women, but not at the expense of anyone I do after all, have a husband, a dad, a couple of brothers. My dog is a boy. Right? So let’s just get clear on that. And with that, I do think there is something to be said about leading and living in an authentic way. And that will necessitate setting boundaries, which a lot of us dare I say, are not great at. Think about it. Our intuition or socialization, right, the way we have been conditioned is to take care of others, right. And at first, it might seem like fun, like, I’ll go get the real simple or Rachael Ray magazines, and I’ll take care of dinner. And then you take care of the house cleaning, and the bills, and the holiday gifts and the trips and the vet visits. Or maybe for you, it’s a pediatrician visit. And it’s fun to start until it’s not right. You know what I’m saying? And then you wake up one day. And it’s more of an obligation that you do it more from this bit of resentment, dare I say versus fun kind of feeling? Oh, because yes, we are also still working full time, right? So it can get so overwhelming. And then we really aren’t sure what to do. Well, wait, let’s be honest. We are sure what we want to do. We want to stop doing some of the things right? What we don’t know is how to now tell others. No. Listen, it can all be different. Now. You can choose to choose something different in your life. And as my girl Robin from peloton says boundaries are sexy. That’s a fun thought. Right? But in all seriousness, I know they can be hard. But what if a boundary is set from love? And not this idea that you are not being kind to someone? What if the kind of thing that you can do is start setting boundaries, and a boundary is set not just for you, but also for those around you? Because you cannot keep giving and giving and giving and think you won’t eventually snap? Right? saying no to something opens up yes to something else? What if it’s not what you are not doing that you focus on? And instead, focus on? What is possible for you to do when you say no to the things that quite honestly, you probably don’t really want to be doing any more anyways. And there are a couple of ways that we can look at boundaries, right? There’s physical boundaries, sexual boundaries, emotional boundaries, spiritual boundaries, financial boundaries, time boundaries, non negotiable boundaries. And since this is called, it’s your time podcast, I say we focus on time. And when I say you need to set boundaries when it comes up, really think about that. Because the truth is, the reason we often don’t set boundaries is because we’re afraid of how others will react. We are the ones to always take care of the things. And what if by setting a boundary, we disappoint someone. First, I would ask, is that even really true? Would you disappoint someone because you said no. For example, is it really true or are you just thinking you would disappoint them? And if you’ve been with me for a while, you might say bye Maybe you always say people can’t make us feel a certain way. It’s always our thoughts. It’s always their thoughts. And I would say to that, excellent listening, first of all, yes, thank you, you are correct. And as much as I wish that we could control others, we cannot we can only control how we react to any situation, right. But the truth is, sometimes our brains don’t subconsciously believe that in every situation. So in this case, I am going out on a limb and I am going to say, Okay, this one I’m giving to you, you disappoint someone else. Because here’s what I found when I tried to negotiate like, it’s my thinking, and that’s their thinking, and I can’t disappoint them. It just has me and circle spinning, and I’m not really getting to the deeper level of what does that mean? What does it mean? In your brain? If you disappoint someone, I know for me, I have always thought I’d rather have somebody be angry with me than disappointed, right? So what does it look like? For you to disappoint someone. And here’s the thing, we have been conditioned over the years to take care of everyone else, that we will do everything in anything, in order to avoid what we think we would feel if we disappointed someone. And usually, it’s something like, guilt, or shame. But the crazy thing is, instead, we feel overwhelmed, maybe pissed off and resentful, right? Like you’re feeling something when you’re avoiding it. And here’s another question. Are you disappointing yourself? And I know I’m not alone? We say yes, sure, I’ll do that. Sure, I’ll do that. And I’ll do that. And I’ll do that. Because we don’t want to feel a feeling. But imagine, if you said no to the one thing that you really do not want to be doing. And then the other thing that you also really do not want to be doing and actually found more joy in your life, because you started showing up as your authentic self, and in a better mood, perhaps, with the ones that you love. And imagine what could be possible. From that standpoint. Magic imagine also taking these skills and to work. And I talk about the feminine energy, right, and that is also so we take care of everyone in the home life. And a lot of times that spills over to our work life. And we talk about work life integration here. So let’s jump into how this can look in a work setting. And I want you to think about how quickly you might say to someone, Oh, nevermind, I’ll just do it myself. It’s easier. I get it. I’ve been guilty of it too. Right? I still work on it. Let me just take care of it. But how can we empower others? If we think we are the only ones that can do it? Right? When someone asks a question, for example, about how to do something, if you know that they have some ideas? What if we instead of just answering them quickly? Ask them back? How about you come up with some ideas? And let me know. And then we can decide what seems to be best. Listen, friends, sharing brain power is a good thing. empowering others is a good thing, setting boundaries and your time that you are no longer doing it all. It’s a good thing. And I just had a communication with a co worker, it’s such a perfect example. Because she’s texting me something as she’s on vacation. And it was not important. And she often is telling me how overwhelmed she feels. So I simply ask, why are you even sending me this message, you are on vacation? For all of you that do this? Listen, work doesn’t shut off. When you go away. You need to shut it off for yourself. You need to start setting those boundaries. But again, if you do that, what comes up in your brain? Things like I might be fired, I should be doing more. I can’t get behind. These are all thoughts, my friend. They are optional. You could also think I have confidence in my team that they’re going to get things done. I know everything is going to be fine. Just good to know right? That there are options. So first, be aware of what you make setting a boundary mean. They are not terrible things. They will not make us evil, right. So where are some areas that you can start setting small boundaries and just play with it. Maybe you only cook three nights a week. Instead of every single night, that’s one of my boundaries. I do not think about weeknight dinners, I will have some veggies in the house, I will have some starch options. And I will have some chicken that I put in some foil packs over the weekend in preparation. But then when it gets to be the week, I’m done using my brainpower to think about dinner, I want to think about other things like, like you won’t hear, right, like my clients. And you know what, here’s the key, Mark actually seems to have survived just fine. And if I’m being honest, he likely prefers it right? When I used to do the Rachael Ray recipes, I also tried to incorporate some learning lesson of the meal. And he would tell me, you can do that when we have kids. But that didn’t happen. So as you know, now, the nieces are the lucky ones to get my crazy brain. But just really think about it if this podcast is about boundaries, because but in all seriousness, it’s a very simple boundary. That sure maybe felt uncomfortable at first, when I’ve changed the way that I was doing things as far as dinner preparation goes. But it allows so much more time for me to be able to do more of what I actually want to. And we know this podcast is about setting boundaries. And as you know, I am not always the Okay, you need to do X, Y, and Z coach, I think it’s more important that you first get clear on why you are not setting boundaries. So let’s just do a quick summary here of what that can look like. In order for you to start making some changes. What are all of your thoughts around setting boundaries and just pick one specific example. So you can get clear and begin making a change in one area of your life? So often, it’s easier for us to just take small steps, build the skill on top of the next skill on top of the next skill, right? So we use one example then implement that in the next example. And after you know, we have the compound effect of actually having lasting change. So pick one specific example. Get clear on what that change is that you want to make. What does that boundary look like for you? Again, coming from love, not manipulation? Why haven’t you said it yet? What comes up? And is what comes up even true? What are you afraid to feel? If you do set a boundary? Here’s an interesting question. Do you even know what that feeling actually feels like? So for example, a lot of times we are afraid to feel guilt, right and setting a boundary. So what does that feel like for you? Is it a pit in your stomach? Is it sweating? Name it pay attention to your body and no, it’s okay to feel a feeling. We will not die the discomfort that you often hear me talking about when I’m that is the discomfort you often hear me talk about when I’ve mentioned the river of misery. That’s the in between space of where you are now. And where you want to be. That in between is simply being willing to feel whatever it is, you are currently afraid to feel. almost sounds like set the boundary feel like ask and then you can start implementing change, right? But the truth is, the feeling won’t last forever. Anytime we change. It’s uncomfortable. It’s uncomfortable for us. Maybe it’s uncomfortable for the person that you’re holding the boundary for, but it’s okay. That is life. Friends, we all change. Why not do it on purpose? Just start with one small area and see how it goes. Let me know if you have questions on this. You can always DM me on Instagram or send an email to contact at Michelle Bourque coaching comm Of course I still have some spots open for a one on one coaching. Same thing, just send me an email contact at Michelle Bourque coaching COMM And let me know you’re ready. And that’s what I have for you today folks. Let’s circle back next week but for now, stay safe and make it a great day. Take care. Did you know you can take this work to a deeper level with me one on one, go to Michelle Bourque coaching comm and click on Get started to begin