Ep 136 Dysfunctional Families
The nice weather is upon us, things are opening back up, families are gathering and although it is fabulous to be with each other again – frustration may soon set in. Today I am discussing the idea of dysfunctional families, and what you can do in order to make the best of your time with loved ones.
In Today’s Episode:
- What does dysfunctional family dynamics mean to you?
- Expectations of others
- How people how love and how you can feel love
- The stories we tell
- Family beliefs
- Learning to let go
- Deciding how you want to feel when around others
Hello hello hello
Welcome back friends
Hope you had a nice week
It’s nice to be back
Do you realize we are almost
To the half way mark of the year?
Ok – let’s jump in
Today I want to talk you about something I hear
A lot of folks talk about
And I think now
With the nice weather,
And things opening up,
It means families are gathering again
Which of course is great
After the year we’ve had
But I think
It can also be a bit of a challenge at times
I know in the past
I’ve had clients want coaching on family members
And I think now
After some time away
We can be so excited to see everyone
But soon enough it might go back to frustrating moments
I thought I would share a recent story
and some tips that might help as we all start back.
When I talk about families
I can’t help but think about Father Brian
He used to say his family “put the fun in dysfunctional”.
I think there might be a few families like that – including mine.
I question if it is truly dysfunctional
when I looked it up I found the definition being “not acting normally’
And my thought was
Well l…. this past weekend was just as “normal” as it’s always been.
Let me begin with my crazy aunts.
(I know – I am one as well….lol.. just a different level of crazy)
They come in and start telling my (not quite) 4 MONTH old niece what a little chunk she is.
Of course this was in the most loving and adoring way
…. but do we listen to what we say to kids sometimes?
(You know my sister immediately told her she was perfect,
and I took her in the other room to tell her not to listen to them – she is strong).
And as we continue the afternoon
they tell me how other family members should not take me seriously because I’m blonde…
again… all in laughter and good fun in their mind.
Totally loving … at least I choose to think
And by the way
I wanted to thank them very much for noticing my blonde
because I pay a lot to get it that way .
They also mentioned how most of the time
they have no idea what I’m talking about online but they just “like” it.
At about this point I wanted to tell them clearly they should hire me then right? Lol
from 4 months to 4 decades
ok, ok.. 4 decades … plus a few years
they don’t discriminate on how they show love.
Which might not be everyone’s cup of tea
And this might look different for you –
but I’m guessing there are some family members that can make you go
There’s a few things that make families tricky
Sometimes I see drama because family members
Think the other one should
A certain thing
Sometimes the drama comes around
Lack of boundaries
Sometimes the challenges come
From memories or past experiences
That just keep getting replayed over and over
It’s funny right
Sometimes it could’ve been one event
And it can last for years
In our minds
One of the things that makes
Family relationships tricky
Is the sometimes
Over dependence we can have on each other
Here’s what I mean
A lot of us wanted to do everything
For approval of our parents
Even as we get older
We think that needs to be the case
I was just listening to a couple of podcasts
Where they were talking about
How the “bad” kids
Are great for parents
Because they challenge the norm
The “bad” kid
Is the one that breaks out of the limited
Identity of what the family is
I for sure
Was not the “bad” kid
For the record..lol..
Because I was the oldest …
Which means the best right? Lol
But I remember I would ask to do something
Mom would say
I would rather you not
And give me this look
And I knew
That meant absolutely not
They were like
Ok – you rather me not
That’s not no
See ya ..lol..
So there are a lot of us
That still have that
Have to be a rule follower
What does it mean to have to follow all the rules?
What would happen if you didn’t?
What becomes available to you?
What extra stress comes from
Trying to follow all the rules
And be perfect?
It can be maddening
We as humans
Want to be part of a tribe
We want to belong
So if you start asking for more of what you want at these family gatherings
If you say no you can’t make it
Then what happens?
I’ll tell you
It usually feels super uncomfortable
You can handle uncomfortable
Another reason it’s uncomfortable
We have our beliefs of what a family looks like
And if we start to question that
Our brain kinda freaks out
It doesn’t like to be wrong
But here’s the cool thing
When you start asking things like
How can I love my family
And not go to all of the events
(that’s if you don’t want to.. if it’s causing added stress)…
I don’t know
Maybe it’s even redefining
What the rules are
Of being a family member
All of our beliefs
Have usually been handed down to us
Beliefs about money,
All of our beliefs
Are simply thoughts we’ve thought
So sentences we’ve said to ourselves
Over and over
And we have the option
To change any of them
A lot of folks just prefer
To drag the baggage with them through the years
You don’t have to
And that’s just a
Good to know
You are fully responsible
For what goes on
It’s not the family members
That frustrate you
I mean think about this
You can be frustrated about them
For an upcoming event
They are not even in your presence
And you say they frustrate you
No no my friends
It’s all the thoughts you have about them
Best news ever ..
What are some easy tips to consider
1. What they say is not as important as what you make it mean. We all have stories – they do, I do, we do, you do.
2. What stories do you want to let go of? Do you need to learn to let go – or just give yourself permission to let go?
3. Do you need to start setting boundaries? Reminder – boundaries always come from love, not manipulation.
4. You can always ask – how would love show up here. …
and reminder –
you ask that for your own benefit –
you are the one who feels love – when you choose love you feel it – it doesn’t jump into their bodies
Here’s a crazy experiment for you
Think of someone who drives you crazy
My guess is
You have the person and you can tell me all the ways they drive you crazy
All the evidence
Our brain always finds evidence for what we believe to be true
So you likely have an arsenal of proof
How would you like to feel about them?
If it’s love
What might you think about them
In order to feel love
Or maybe for you
Sometimes compassion is an easier feeling to get to
And if you aren’t sure what to think you can
Take a minute and think about someone who is easy to love
What is maybe a belief you have about them
Can that belief be transferred to the other person?
Are you able to find evidence of how it could be true for this other person too?
If that ’s too far of a stretch
Can compassion be the feeling
And maybe the thought is
They are doing their best
I love that thought
I try to believe that
Most people are doing their best
You can borrow that one if you want …lol…
Here’s the thing
When we talk about
Being able to excel in your career
But without all the stress and overwhelm
This is part of it
Our personal life
Is our life
It’s important to what we bring to business
Can give you amazing practice
At mind management …lol..
And then you transfer the skills
To dealing with co workers
It’s so great
It seriously changes your life
If this resonated today
And you want help with this
Or any of the topics I discuss on the podcast
My flexibility coaching program is open
I totally designed it with you in mind
To be able to gain the benefits
Without being too set to call times
Still have daily access to coaching
It’s exactly what I love about the coaching I get most of the time
Send me a message
You know I’m on the socials
And we can make sure
All your questions are answered
That’s what I have for you today
Let’s circle back next week
But for now
And make it a great day