Ep 122 Relationships
There are so many different relationships in life. Join me today as I talk about the difference in relationships, how connection happens, how we sometimes sabotage ourselves, and why it’s important to know who causes you your feelings.
In This Episode:
- Relationships
- Connection
- The Manual
- Kelly Ripa and Oprah
- It’s always been done this way
- Self love
- Creating relationships you want
- Feelings
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Episode Transcript
Hello hello hello
Welcome back to the podcast friends
If you are new –
So happy you found us
Welcome
We are thrilled to have you here
Ok, today I want to talk to you about
Relationships
I’ve recently been talking to clients about relationships
And I’ve been doing some work on this too
What comes to mind when I say relationships?
Really stop and think about this
Because we tend to have different rules
For different relationships
One of the definitions I found
When I went to the
all knowing Googles
Was
The way in which two or more concepts,
Objects, or people are connected,
Or the state of being connected.
Ok,
What does that mean exactly?
What is connection?
I want you to really think about his
For you
Because I think I have connections
With people who have no idea we are connected..lol.
Mentors for example
Or years ago
I was totally convinced Kelly Ripa and I were friends
Oprah – for sure some how connected
Lol
Even you – I don’t know all of you
But I feel like I have a connection
Like we have a relationship
And
Here’s the other thing
I think relationships
All have some sort of meaning
And they serve a purpose
And then they can end
Like its ok
It was complete
So for example
People I’ve worked with in the past
I had a relationship with them
Now that is complete
And this may not be for all of you
But I also think we can still have relationships
With people who have passed on
We have girlfriends that we can not talk to for months
And then just pick up where we left off
So there are all these different variables that can happen right?
But I think a lot of times we take our relationships
And use them as ways to feel terrible
Let me start here
In the past I’ve discussed the idea of one of the tools I discuss
Called the Manual
You all know what a manual is right?
The operating instructions for like
Your dishwasher
But we also have manuals
Or
Sets of instructions
For not only people in our lives
But for ourselves as well
And listen
I think its totally fine
To have some expectations of people
right
But we get in trouble
When we start assigning our emotional well being
On the actions of other person
And then tell ourselves
We don’t have any control in the relationship
We always have control
We are always making choices
And
Lets be honest
We are also always setting the rules
And sometimes
we don’t own either of those things
We don’t own our choices and we don’t own the rules we set
And then
We tell ourselves
They make us feel
Insert what it is for you
Frustrated
Hurt
Unloved
When they don’t do a certain thing (aka – your rule)
So let me use a simple example
Lets say you have a partner
And you expect them to
Send you flowers on Valentines Day
Or
Text a certain amount of times a day or week
And when they don’t
You say they hurt you
They didn’t hurt you
Let me pause for a moment
To remind everyone
Where our feelings come from
Our thoughts
People take
Or not take
Actions
And then we have a story about them
We say things like
Well if he/she loved me
They would send flowers
And I say feel all the feels
So if you want to feel sad
Because you didn’t get flowers
Feel sad
But also
Own it
Own that you are feeling sad
Because you
think
the other person
Should be sending you flowers
Taking responsibility for your feelings
Is Emotional adulthood
Blaming others
And giving them control over your feelings
Is emotional childhood
And when you are there
You have no power
But
Not because of what the other person is doing
It’s because you are not taking control
Of your own feelings
See the difference?
It pertains to work too
I get it
Our brain automatically goes to
They frustrate me
It’s how a lot of us were brought up
Believing that other people determine our feelings
But I promise you
When you start seeing your stories
You hold the power
And you know what
It is possible
For a couple to have an amazing relationship
And not get flowers
And listen
You might just hold beliefs like these
Because it was how you were brought up
The question is
Do you want to keep them
You get to decide
And it’s funny when you start thinking about this
So maybe you think your partner has to send you flowers
To show love
But your friends
Or parents
Well they can love you and not send flowers
Pay attention folks
A lot of times we just take on beliefs from other people
And we don’t even think anything of it
It makes me think of a story I just heard
And I might mess this up
But you will get the idea..
lol..
So as I remember it
There were 5 monkeys in a cage
A bunch of bananas
And a stool
One monkey took the stool
And went for the bananas
The people in charge of the study
Didn’t allow the monkey to get the bananas and
Sprayed all the monkeys with cold water
Which they hate
This happened again
Another monkey attempted
They all got sprayed
Then when the next monkey attempted it
The cold wet monkeys
Beat the monkey bloody who attempted
So it was like 4 wet monkeys and a bloody
Then one by one they traded out the wet cold monkeys
For a new monkey
Who had no idea what was going on
But what happened was
Eventually
There were all new monkeys exchanged
None of them had been
Victim
To the cold water spraying
And yet
Anytime a new monkey
Went for the bananas
They would beat them up
Because
That’s how it was alway done
Let’s not be a bunch of monkeys right?
Let’s question what rules we are putting on our relationships
Because you guys
At the end of the day
We
Are the ones that feel love
Love comes from our thoughts
When you are arguing with what is
That is not love
When you say things like
I would love them if they did x-y-z
Pay attention to who misses out
You
Your love doesn’t jump into their body right?
And sometimes love isn’t rainbows daisies and butterflies
Sometimes love
Comes with grief
But it all comes back to you
Are your thoughts useful to you
And
Speaking of who misses out on feeling love
Let me touch on a very important relationship you have
The one with yourself
How do you speak to yourself?
How much do you love yourself?
How compassionate are you with yourself?
Really
Pay attention to things you say
Like
This job is crazy
I have no time
I can’t do anything I want
Stop
What is the opposite
Or how can you speak kindly to yourself
To empower yourself
So
Maybe you change it to
This job is crazy
And I’m pretty special to be doing it
I totally choose how I’m spending my time
It might not feel like it always
But you absolutely do
Think about the stories you tell yourself all day long
For the past how many years
That you aren’t ready enough
You aren’t doing enough
You aren’t smart enough
Whatever it is for you
You are missing out
On feeling love
For yourself
When you feel more love
Your give more love
And if you want help with this
I want you to get on my email list
Start with the complimentary guide
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But without the stress an overwhelm
So you can do more of what you want
Plus
You will get added free content every week
I really want you to see
How much control you DO
Have over your life
It’s everything
Ok
That’s what I have for you today
Let’s circle back next week
But for now
Stay safe and
Make it a great day
Take care!