Ep 122 Relationships

There are so many different relationships in life.  Join me today as I talk about the difference in relationships, how connection happens, how we sometimes sabotage ourselves, and why it’s important to know who causes you your feelings.

In This Episode:

• Relationships
• Connection
• The Manual
• Kelly Ripa and Oprah
• It’s always been done this way
• Self love
• Creating relationships you want
• Feelings

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Episode Transcript

Hello hello hello

Welcome back to the podcast friends

If you are new – 

So happy you found us 

Welcome

We are thrilled to have you here

Ok, today I want to talk to you about 

Relationships 

I’ve recently been talking to clients about relationships 

And I’ve been doing some work on this too

What comes to mind when I say relationships?

Really stop and think about this 

Because we tend to have different rules 

For different relationships 

One of the definitions I found 

When I went to the 

all knowing Googles 

Was

The way in which two or more concepts, 

Objects, or people are connected,

Or the state of being connected.

Ok,

What does that mean exactly?

What is connection?

I want you to really think about his 

For you

Because I think I have connections 

With people who have no idea we are connected..lol.

Mentors for example

Or years ago 

I was totally convinced Kelly Ripa and I were friends 

Oprah – for sure some how connected 

Lol

Even you – I don’t know all of you

But I feel like I have a connection 

Like we have a relationship

And 

Here’s the other thing

I think relationships 

All have some sort of meaning

And they serve a purpose 

And then they can end

Like its ok

It was complete 

So for example 

People I’ve worked with in the past 

I had a relationship with them 

Now that is complete 

And this may not be for all of you

But I also think we can still have relationships

With people who have passed on 

We have girlfriends that we can not talk to for months

And then just pick up where we left off 

So there are all these different variables that can happen right?

But I think a lot of times we take our relationships

And use them as ways to feel terrible 

Let me start here 

In the past I’ve discussed the idea of one of the tools I discuss 

Called the Manual

You all know what a manual is right?

The operating instructions for like

Your dishwasher 

But we also have manuals 

Or 

Sets of instructions 

For not only people in our lives 

But for ourselves as well

And listen

I think its totally fine 

To have some expectations of people 

right

But we get in trouble 

When we start assigning our emotional well being 

On the actions of other person 

And then tell ourselves 

We don’t have any control in the relationship

We always have control 

We are always making choices

And 

Lets be honest 

We are also always setting the rules 

And sometimes 

we don’t own either of those things 

We don’t own our choices and we don’t own the rules we set 

And then 

We tell ourselves 

They make us feel 

Insert what it is for you 

Frustrated 

Hurt 

Unloved 

When they don’t do a certain thing (aka – your rule)

So let me use a simple example 

Lets say you have a partner 

And you expect them to 

Send you flowers on Valentines Day

Or 

Text a certain amount of times a day or week

And when they don’t 

You say they hurt you

They didn’t hurt you

Let me pause for a moment

To remind everyone 

Where our feelings come from 

Our thoughts 

People take 

Or not take 

Actions 

And then we have a story about them 

We say things like 

Well if he/she loved me 

They would send flowers 

And I say feel all the feels 

So if you want to feel sad 

Because you didn’t get flowers

Feel sad

But also 

Own it 

Own that you are feeling sad

Because you 

think 

the other person

Should be sending you flowers 

Taking responsibility for your feelings 

Is Emotional adulthood 

Blaming others 

And giving them control over your feelings 

Is emotional childhood 

And when you are there 

You have no power 

But 

Not because of what the other person is doing

It’s because you are not taking control

Of your own feelings 

See the difference?

It pertains to work too 

I get it 

Our brain automatically goes to 

They frustrate me 

It’s how a lot of us were brought up 

Believing that other people determine our feelings 

But I promise you 

When you start seeing your stories 

You hold the power

And you know what 

It is possible 

For a couple to have an amazing relationship

And not get flowers 

And listen 

You might just hold beliefs like these 

Because it was how you were brought up 

The question is 

Do you want to keep them 

You get to decide 

And it’s funny when you start thinking about this

So maybe you think your partner has to send you flowers 

To show love 

But your friends

Or parents 

Well they can love you and not send flowers 

Pay attention folks

A lot of times we just take on beliefs from other people 

And we don’t even think anything of it 

It makes me think of a story I just heard

And I might mess this up

But you will get the idea..

lol..

So as I remember it

There were 5 monkeys in a cage 

A bunch of bananas 

And a stool

One monkey took the stool

And went for the bananas

The people in charge of the study

Didn’t allow the monkey to get the bananas and 

Sprayed all the monkeys with cold water 

Which they hate 

This happened again 

Another monkey attempted 

They all got sprayed 

Then when the next monkey attempted it 

The cold wet monkeys 

Beat the monkey bloody who attempted 

So it was like 4 wet monkeys and a bloody

Then one by one they traded out the wet cold monkeys

For a new monkey 

Who had no idea what was going on 

But what happened was 

Eventually 

There were all new monkeys exchanged 

None of them had been 

Victim 

To the cold water spraying 

And yet

Anytime a new monkey 

Went for the bananas

They would beat them up

Because 

That’s how it was alway done 

Let’s not be a bunch of monkeys right?

Let’s question what rules we are putting on our relationships 

Because you guys 

At the end of the day

We 

Are the ones that feel love 

Love comes from our thoughts 

When you are arguing with what is 

That is not love 

When you say things like 

I would love them if they did x-y-z

Pay attention to who misses out

You 

Your love doesn’t jump into their body right?

And sometimes love isn’t rainbows daisies and butterflies

Sometimes love 

Comes with grief 

But it all comes back to you 

Are your thoughts useful to you 

And 

Speaking of who misses out on feeling love 

Let me touch on a very important relationship you have 

The one with yourself 

How do you speak to yourself?

How much do you love yourself?

How compassionate are you with yourself?

Really 

Pay attention to things you say 

Like 

This job is crazy

I have no time 

I can’t do anything I want 

Stop 

What is the opposite 

Or how can you speak kindly to yourself 

To empower yourself

So 

Maybe you change it to 

This job is crazy 

And I’m pretty special to be doing it 

I totally choose how I’m spending my time 

It might not feel like it always 

But you absolutely do 

Think about the stories you tell yourself all day long

For the past how many years 

That you aren’t ready enough

You aren’t doing enough

You aren’t smart enough

Whatever it is for you  

You are missing out 

On feeling love 

For yourself 

When you feel more love 

Your give more love 

And if you want help with this

I want you to get on my email list

Start with the complimentary guide 

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But without the stress an overwhelm

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I really want you to see 

How much control you DO

Have over your life

It’s everything 

Ok 

That’s what I have for you today 

Let’s circle back next week 

But for now 

Stay safe and 

Make it a great day 

Take care!