153 Fear of Failing

Episode notes:

Listen today as I discuss how I think toxic positivity and everyone gets a ribbon mentality can ultimately hold us back from accomplishing our hearts desire.  The external praise is not what determines our value or worth – knowing our intrinsic value is the key to our success and our willingness to fail and feel feelings are the keys to getting to our next best self.  We have one quarter in the year left – what do you want to do with it?  And don’t forget to celebrate – you.  Let’s go!

In This Episode:

• Games without winners is practice
• Thinking little girls shouldn’t cry
• Building resilience
• Fear of failing because of what we make it mean
• Try, learn, move on
• Celebrating yourself and one simple step to start tonight
• Willingness to feel feelings
• Let’s chat – contact@michellebourquecoaching.com

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You are listening to the it’s your time podcast and I’m your host certified life coach Michelle Arnold Burke, and today’s episode I’m discussing fear of failing. Welcome to the it’s your time podcast, the podcast where busy professionals like you get the practical solutions and support you need to gain control of your schedule. So you can strive to be the best in your career, but without the stress and overwhelm. If you’re looking to increase your energy and decrease your stress, you are in the right place. Hello, hello, hello. Welcome back to the podcast friends. How is everyone doing today? On this final day of September, which for some of you might even be end of quarter, our fiscal years a little different? doesn’t quite work like that. But nonetheless, have a question for everyone listening. We have three months remaining in the year, one quarter. And aside from work, and aside from making your number at the end of the year, what is one thing that you want to accomplish? By the time we close out? 2021? We have three months? Can you even believe it? And what were all of the things that you said you wanted to do? Once we were out of 2020? Do you remember those days? And did you do them? Did you do some of them? Did you do any of them? Have you been too busy to do what you said you want it to do? It’s super interesting to just get curious about all of it. So aside from your work goal, your number, what else do you want to accomplish in this final quarter of the year? Let’s keep it simple. Just one thing. One thing for me is that I want to finish a course that I’m taking on writing a book. I’m in the process, it’s going to take a little time, but I’m having so much fun. And I want to complete that course by the end of the year. So stay tuned. What is it for you? Think about it and get serious, three months, friends. Okay. And this is going to move us into today’s podcast because the idea of fear of failing, I think that is what keeps a lot of us held back right? It’s why a lot of us don’t even start something because we’re too busy waiting to see how it’s done. We all think we need to know the how. But the way we figure out the How is to start doing something or we think we need to be perfectly confident to begin. So let’s talk about how, or where maybe this mindset might start for some of us right and how it might even hold us back from accomplishing some of our most desired goals. And I want to start with a story. I mentioned that I was recently with my niece’s at a softball game, right. And I think this is something that really had me thinking about doing this podcast. So I’m going to share the story with you. And let me preface this by saying the filter by which the story goes right is number one, I do not have kids. Number two, I have a husband that’s been a college football coach for over 25 years. And number three, I’ve been in commission sales for even longer than that, and sometimes 100% commission folks, which means you don’t just get a ribbon for showing up, right? And I know times have changed. But here are some thoughts on the game. And how I think the way we just play to play kind of mindset might actually hold women back. So I’m sitting in the stands with the 12 year old as the eight year old is playing and I’m seeing I’m trying to find like, Where is the score? And I’m asking how many innings do they play? You know, I needed to get the 411 on how all of this works to which I was informed. Oh, they don’t have a winner. They’re just playing. And I was like, What? Why are we here then? I mean, seriously, I looked up the definition of game. Y’all want to know what it says? Well, there’s a number of options. But the top two included a form of play or sports, especially a competitive one, played according to rules and decided by skill, strength or luck. decided, right that means there is a winner. And the next definition was a complete episode or period of play ending in a definite result. So I tend to say we were actually at practice, right. And upon further discussion, I guess they don’t have one team win. And they always make sure That everyone knows how great they are. Because they might cry. Listen, I’m all about positive reinforcement to a point, you know, there is such a thing as toxic positivity. The truth is, life is more like 5050, right. And when we think our value, and our worthiness is based on other people’s approval of us, we are hosed. Our worthiness is 100% complete, just because not because someone tells us, we’re great. I mean, we don’t always need to be positive, and think everyone is amazing all of the time, because they are, quote unquote, winners, we can still be amazing, and not be a quote unquote, winner, we can just know that we are worthy, winner or loser. And knowing our intrinsic value is the key. So let’s talk more about winning and losing, winning and losing. What do you make it mean? And I work with so many women that tell me they believe their worth, or their success is mostly, maybe even solely, in some instances tie to making the sales number. And if they don’t hit that number, they make it mean something about themselves. No, 100% not true. That is the total BS that we have bought into, you are not your number. And I remember, when I first started my job, which was 100%, commission, one of the veteran reps, she told me don’t get too high, and don’t get too low. And you know why that’s important, because making the number or not, does not determine your level of worthiness as a human. So winning a softball game or not, does not determine your worthiness, but you can still have some competitive spirit and be able to achieve results. Do you see the difference? Maybe if we can dismantle that we would not be so afraid to fail. So why are we afraid to let young girls play a game? Where Let’s face it, there is really nothing on the line, right? Like they’re not getting paid, the house mortgage is fine. Everyone is eating. So why do we think they can’t handle winning or losing? Because the question really is, what do we make it mean? If they quote unquote, lose, it doesn’t mean anything about them. And this is so much more than just the game. It’s about your life, where you maybe miss a goal, or not accomplish something that you set out for, and then berate yourself, and make it mean that you are a failure, versus you simply did not meet the expected outcome. Instead of looking at what you can learn from it, right. And I think that’s where we’re robbing our kids from opportunities to learn about resilience, maybe robbing them from learning, and I am going to repeat this failing at something doesn’t mean we are failures. It means we didn’t hit the anticipated outcome. Now what? When we own that, we can change it. And the next time we attempt it, we are a new version of ourselves based on what we have learned from the first attempt. And I think, honestly, that there is a little too much positive psychology, right? It’s just not a great thing. For example, why do we not want people to cry? Like it’s okay, if little girls cry, and you know what, it’s okay if Big Girls cry, and Listen, I’ve been just as guilty in the past because we had the 12 year old when she was five actually come to visit us for an overnight. And if I’m being fully transparent, I made her sign a contract that she would not cry when she was here. But listen, back then I didn’t know any better. And I thought it was a great opportunity to discuss contracting and being a business woman with her. But the truth is, I grew up also thinking that it’s better to just pretend nothing is wrong. Just keep moving on. But you know what? Doing that robs us of processing emotions, feeling our feelings, and sometimes those are some tough feelings. And we can handle all of them. Think about it. Emotions are simply energy in motion. And when we move through them, we see what they are here to tell us. And then we evolve. We stay stuck because we don’t want To lose, and we don’t want to feel the feelings. And so we don’t go after our goals. And remember, our brain is designed to avoid pain, seek pleasure, and be as efficient as possible. So it makes total sense to not venture out for something that we’ve never done to just keep, where we know we are safe. And we might tell ourselves, it’s comfortable being where we know. But then there is that whisper that says, maybe there is something more. And that my friend is not super comfortable. So what if failing, is just an opportunity to learn? Because think of this? Let’s say you go for a promotion, and you tell everyone all about it, and then you don’t get it. There are a couple of ways to respond. And I want to take a moment here. And have you really think about this, because we are often our own worst critic. So you decide how you speak to yourself? Do you focus on everything you didn’t do? From like this kind of beat down type of energy? Or do you get curious, curiosity? is an amazing emotion to learn so much from it could really be such an opportunity for growth, right? As long as you are open with a sense of curiosity. So what worked? What didn’t work? What can you do next time? Not super emotional, almost like a lab experiment, get the data, learn, move on. And do not skip over the What did you do? Well, this is so important. Our brain loves to tell us how much we don’t do. And doing this work. The mindset, the being the boss of your brain, that’s where you have the opportunity to grow and evolve, you need to be intentional with giving yourself credit for all you do do. And I was recently working with a client who wanted to feel a sense of accomplishment. And when we started to dive in, and I’m guessing this is a lot of you, because honestly, it’s still me at times to ask yourself, how often do you celebrate your successes? So let’s say you had 100% to plan or you complete that project that you’ve been working on? What is your response? Is it I should have been over 100%? Or now we still have next quarter? I’m not going to hit it probably? Or do you take a pause and tell yourself? Great job. Get honest with yourself here. No wonder we don’t want to fail, right? When we succeed, we beat ourselves up. So what do we think we’re going to do if we quote unquote, fail? But what more could be available for you? If you were willing to feel the feelings? Whatever that feeling is for you. So when you fail? What is it that comes up? Is it shame? Is it disappointment? Like what does shame even feel like? Is it a pit in your stomach? a clump in your throat? If you’re willing to feel that and not be afraid of it? What can you learn from every attempt that you might fail, and combine that with actually celebrating yourself. And celebrating yourself can be as simple as making a shift at the end of the night. So instead of allowing your brain to tell you everything that you didn’t get done, as you’re falling asleep, and everything that you have to do tomorrow, instead, remind yourself of three things that you did well, today, three successes that you had for the day, and you know what a success could be, I tried something new and learn from it. We decide what success is friend, you, me, for ourselves, not the people in the stands, cheering and telling us how great we are. That’s amazing. And that’s nice. And we all want to tribe, but at the end of the day, we’re in our brain, we need to manage that. It’s not the external world that we need to rely on. It is all within ourselves. And listen, if you need help with this, if it resonates like I want to help more of you with feeling better, about work about life about relationships, I got you super simple. Send me a DM or an email contact at Michelle Burt coaching. For more info on one on one coaching. We can just hop on a quick call, decide if it’s a fit. And listen. There’s no failing in a call right and there is so much to learn. Okay, friends, one quarter left. What is it you are going to accomplish? Let’s talk about it. Hit me up on the socials. That’s what I have for you today. Let’s circle back next week but for now, stay safe and make it a great day. Take care Did you know you can take this work to a deeper level with me one on one, go to Michelle Burt coaching comm and click on Get started to begin